


To the fugitives

by SantaMalgastadora



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Julian Devorak's Route, Non-Consensual Tickling, Oral Sex, Top Julian Devorak, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-04-07 17:20:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 41,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19089586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SantaMalgastadora/pseuds/SantaMalgastadora
Summary: Remember the books 1-5 (the version before the update in May) when the Apprentice runs from the palace during the hunt and runs into Julian in the Rowdy Raven? I've been wondering why did he first warned her not to go back to her shop and later, guided her there. And what would happen if she listened to the first advice.





	1. To the fugitives

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not a native speaker, so I hope any mistakes I may make do not spoil your fun (or at least cause some additional laugh).
> 
> Personally, I don't like reading about someone else's Apprentice (Julian belongs to my Apprentice, duh), so I deleted her name and limited personal traits to the minimum for you to insert your beautiful Apprentice into the story. 
> 
> Please remember that this is fiction. What the two of them do is very romantic but very irrisponsible, too. Have fun safely, my friends ❤

I was on the run from the palace. It was crazy and I shouldn’t had done it but I guess I needed to get out and, frankly, the two horrible dogs didn’t give me much choice. So there I was, wandering around the part of the city I didn’t know until I found this place – The Rowdy Raven, and that man again – doctor Julian Devorak. I wanted to keep running but then, he found me – stuck in an empty barrel… Unfortunately, he was helpful, too charming to resist, and had answers to my questions, so I agreed to have a drink with him. Sadly, I didn’t find much from him. He seemed confused and disturbed with my questions and the drawing from his desk. And even if he knew anything, we didn’t have time to talk – this strange raven, Malak, appeared suddenly, screeching like a demon to warn the tavern from the palace guards. Julian reacted immediately – pulled me out on the street, into a dark alley, and instructed me how to find my shop. But it couldn’t had been a good idea.

"But you said the shop will be the first place they'll go!" I exclaimed nervously. I didn't want to return to the palace yet.

Julian looked at me wide-eyed, seeming panicked for a second. But he hesitated no longer and grabbed my wrist. "Come on!" He started to run, guiding us through dark, narrow alleys. He set an unforgiving pace, and even though I did my bloody best to keep up with him in those stupid silk pumps the Countess gave me, he almost dragged me behind him.

He took a sharp turn, and we ran straight into two guards. Before they or I reacted, Julian turned around and darted back with me.

"Hey!" the guards screamed and followed us.

"Left!" I heard Julian pant before he pushed me into an alley... with a dead end.

Even if I were able to catch my breath and protest, he didn't give me time for this. We got to the brick wall and right away he put his hands on my waist from behind.

"Up!" he commanded shortly.

I jumped and he lifted me. I manged to climb on the top of the wall and sit down, but I was too scared to jump off. I didn't need to worry, though. Julian climbed the wall almost effortlessly and jumped over it elegantly like a cat. The moment he was on the other side, he outstretched him arms towards me. Without second thoughts, I slipped down and he caught me.

"Alright?" Julian asked me breathlessly.

I nodded. I was fine but I could hear the guards run towards the wall.

"Good. Let's go." He took my hand and led us further. A few runs through the shadows and sharp turns later, he stopped in front of an old, neglected hut. He fished out a key from a pocket inside his coat, opened the door, pulled me inside and locked the door without a smallest sound.

It was pitch black in there, and it smelled like coffee, leather and dust.

We stood by the door for a few minutes, motionless, catching our breaths, and listening out. My head was spinning from the run and adrenaline, and frankly, all I could hear was the hum of my blood and rapid beating of my heart. When finally I calmed down a little bit, I heard also Julian's loud breath, and felt his quick pulse. I realised he was still pressing me close to his side. Or maybe it was me clinging to him.

Suddenly, we heard the two guards stomping and panting not far away from the hut. We braced ourselves. I hoped Julian knew a second way out from here. As if reading my mind, he gripped my shoulder, and made us take a step back. But it wasn't necessary. We heard a breathless ‘This way!’ and the guards stomped away.

Both of us let out breaths we were holding the whole time. Then, I guess Julian realised he was still holding me, too, because he moved away from me. "I think they're gone," he whispered. "Are you alright?"

"Yes. Can we, um, get some light?"

I heard him chuckle. "Afraid of the dark, are you? Boooo...!" he made a sound supposedly like a ghost, and nudged my sides and arms with his fingers.

This was so silly I snorted. "What are you? Five?"

"And a half, mind you," he informed me with a dead serious voice. "Alright, alright, I'll give you some light."

He left my side and I heard him bustle in the dark.

“Already back in a good mood, aren’t you?”

"Of course, why not? You mean you thought the little jog we'd just had with those two lovely, obese gentlemen would upset me? Please. They wouldn't get us even if we ran backwards,” he snorted.

I frowned. I knew I should be worried at least. After all, I'd run from authorities, for whom, in fact, I've been working for, with a fugitive suspect, whom I was investigating, and who broke into my shop. And who was so very cute, too, and not so threatening anymore like he tried to be that night. The very nonsense of the situation, plus Julian's jolly attitude made me smile.

I was having an adventure. 

“Where did I…” he kept mumbling to himself. “Damn!" Something fell down with a thud. "I could swear I left it somewhere here. Aha! There you are."

Then, there was a hiss of a match and small sphere of light of the candle dispersed the darkness. First, I saw Julian's pale face. He gave me a cheerful smile.

"Don't worry. I have more."

He roamed the room, lighting candles on window sills, shelves and table. The warm, amber light let me have a look around the hut. We were in a small, cramped room. There was a fireplace, a table with two chairs – each different, a desk, and books. Lots of books. They were everywhere. On the shelves, the desk, even in piles on the floor.

“What a… cosy home you have,” I said diplomatically.

Julian snorted. “No need to struggle for compliments. I wouldn’t call it a home. When I came to Vesuvia, I needed a roof over my head. I found this hut, it was empty and in acceptable shape, so I claimed it. I brought here my stuff, some furniture, cleaned up, put a lock, and here it is. But I appreciate your politeness.”

“Anytime.”

I approached one of the piles near the door with a half-full mug of cold coffee on top of it. I picked up the mug and the first book beneath it. To my surprise, it was a book of poetry, and under it –  _ A compendium of texts on human brain _ .

Julian finished with the candles and came up. He took the mug and book from me. "Forgive the mess," he apologised with a blush. "I rarely have guests and surely didn't expect to have one tonight. Let me just..." He rearranged some books from one place to another, removed empty mugs, papers and trinkets from the table and chairs.

"Mess? You should’ve seen my room, then," I said, feeling a need to comfort him. After all, he did me the favour of keeping me away from the guards and let me hide in his house. Plus, my room really would use some cleaning, too.

He laughed softly. "Really? You don't seem messy."

"Looks can be deceiving. I guess I too have the weakness for old books, trinkets…" A sharp shudder ran down my spine and interrupted me. No wonder. I sweated during the run and inside the hut it was quite chilly. I wrapped my arms around me and rubbed my shoulders.

"[name], you’re shaking! Why didn’t you tell me you were cold. You’ll get ill because of me. Wait, I'll, uh, light the fire. Or first give you something to cover yourself with. But I don't think I have anything... My coat! Is my coat alright? Here." He took it off, shook it off, and draped it over my arms, rubbing them energetically. “Better?” 

The coat sank onto me heavily. It was still warm and smelled of leather and… Julian. It was kind of… disturbing. It was disturbing that I liked it so much. I shouldn’t be. Should I?

I cleared my throat. “Yes, thank you.”

Julian bit hard on his bottom lip and looked away.

It made me feel a little bit insecure. “What is it?”

Julian snorted. "Sorry, but you look as if you were wearing a tent."

I looked down at myself. Almost half of the coat was on the floor. I smiled and blushed a little. "I guess I do."

I caught Julian look at me with a strange, warm smile on his face. Then, he met my gaze and snapped back to reality.

"Oh, right, the fireplace." He turned around and knelt in front of it. "Please, have a seat. Make yourself at home," he said over his shoulder.

I observed him struggle with the matches for a while, trying to understand him. Last time, he was, or at least posed to be, intimidating. Now, however, he was so friendly and caring. I wasn’t sure what to make out of this, and if I should be careful around him.

Wondering, I almost sat down but then I noticed my reflection in a mirror next to the door. I approached it and looked at myself critically. Abomination! My hair was tousled and full of burrs and grass. I started to get them out, one by one. When I finished, I noticed Julian stare at me from across the room.

"Yes?" I turned to him.

He had the decency to blush after being caught staring. "Sorry... Um... You, um… May I?" he stumbled. I nodded, unsure, though. He approached and reached for my hair. "There are some left." He combed my hair with his bare fingers (he must had taken the gloves off before starting the fire) and took out some more grass. He straightened some strands between his thumb and index finger, putting them in order. "There." He slipped his hands under my hair, stroking my neck and making me take in a sharp breath, and gently pulled them out from under the coat. He took some loose strands and put them behind my ear. 

I observed him in wonder. There, another new side of him – a gentle one. I knew I shouldn’t let it deceive me but I already came to like it. Came to like  _ him.  _ Kind of unintentionally, I smiled at him.

He touched my hair a little longer than it was necessary, then, looked down at me with half-lidded eye, and smiled back shily. "You're beautiful," he whispered pensively, as if he was thinking out loud, and looked at my lips, and immediately, unwittingly, I looked at his.

Thoughts fought in my mind for priority. I barely met this man, I didn’t know him, he was wanted, and he was absolutely charming and intriguing, and his kiss would be probably breathtaking, and I was grown up and could do whatever with whoever I liked… But was it sensible to get so close with him already? I hesitated and decided that no, it wasn’t. It’d be too soon. "I'm parched after all of this running," I said in a light voice, masking my internal battle.

Julian didn’t seem to be bothered by the rejection. "Of course, how rude of me not to offer you something to drink. Please, have a seat, while I see what I can get you."

I sat down at the table and watched him bustle through the shelves. Then, he turned to me, seeming embarrassed.

"Well, um... I'm afraid I don't really have anything to offer you. Whatever will you think of me as a host."

"Oh, don't worry.” I brushed it away with a wave of a hand. “I should be the one apologising. I'm actually imposing on you."

"No, don't say that,” he exclaimed, sitting at the table in front of me. “You're absolutely welcome here. You’re a delightful guest. It's an honour to have you here, dear [name], and... Here it is!" He reached right behind me into a pile of books, putting a hand on my shoulder. "Aha!" He triumphantly presented to me a dusty bottle of wine. "I knew I had it stashed somewhere for a dark hour. Well, not as dark now with you here, dear, but it should do just fine. What do you say?"

I looked at the etiquette and recognised it. "It's one of my favourites, actually."

Julian beamed at me. "Really? See? You're not imposing, god forbid. It's destiny! This night was meant to be. This bottle waited just for you. Here." He set two glasses on the table (each different) and poured us wine. He sat down, closer now, our knees almost touching under the table. He didn't seem to notice, but my pulse quickened.

He swirled the dark red, almost black wine in his glass and sighed happily. “Don’t apologise for you company. Rather it’s me who should be thanking you for every minute of it. I really do enjoy it. Actually, I’d just love it if I could run into you more often,” he confessed, looking cheekily at me.

It was so sweet and sincere, and absolutely inappropriate, that I smiled and blushed.

He smirked. “Although,” He paused with a spark in his eye, and rubbed his chin pensively. “after all, I am a wanted criminal. Will it be sensible to let you go, investigator, now, when you know where I live?" He shook his head and tutted. "No, no, I don’t think so. I think I’d better keep you here forever.”

I burst out with a short laugh. “You’re incorrigible!”

“Why, thank you.”

“But you know, right now, I’m on a run, too. So, I’ll gladly hide in here. Maybe not forever, but for a few hours, if you don’t mind.”

He grinned at me. "Of course I don’t. Stay as long as you like but I can’t promise I won’t try my best to keep you in here.”

“Alright,” I laughed. "I'll take that risk."

“How about a toast, then?" He raised his glass, and I did the same. "To the fugitives!"

I laughed and shook my head but clinked my glass with him and took a sip. The wine was delicious, dry, tasting like cherries and flowers. It was also strong, and I thought for a while if it was sensible to get myself drunk in Julian's company. The man had trouble written all over his face. Trouble and adventure, actually, and since I'd been running head first into both for a few days, why should I stop now?

Well, anyway, I should had slowed down with alcohol and I did. I kept sipping on the wine but just for the taste. I'd rather stayed sober around him, even though I was tired of the investigation and the stiff atmosphere in the palace. However, I didn't run away to be good or  _ that _ sensible. Running away wasn't good or sensible in the first place. I needed some fun. I hadn't had fun in ages and I was going to get some, even if I’d to pay for it with trouble. But getting in trouble with Julian seemed delightful. Actually, I had to admit to myself, the only thing that bothered me was if it would end up with me getting into trouble with him or because of him?

"However," he spoke, leaning towards me and interrupting my deep thought. I smelled wine and his unique, heavy scent, which was slowly driving me crazy; making me want to be closer and closer to him. His half-lidded grey eye was scrutinising me with curiosity. A shiver ran down my spine. "I wonder what reason  _ you _ have to be running away from the guards. Did you commit some sort of crime?"

"Good point.” I wondered. Was running away from the silly hunt a crime? “I'm not sure."

"Ha! Then there are two of us. Although, I guess I would send guards to search the city if such a lovely guest escaped from me," he said with a cocky smile.

I chose not to comment on that and with all my force refrained from rolling my eyes. "I don't know. It was crazy to run away from the palace but... I needed to get away. I think I needed some air. Some freedom."

"A little walk around the palace gardens wouldn't be enough?"

"No, I needed a different kind of air."

"I see. And how is this little walk of yours working on you so far?"

I dared to hold his amused gaze for a few seconds before I answered. "Very well, thank you."

He mimicked me, looking me deep in the eye before speaking. "And may I assume that it's partially thanks to me, then?"

I bit my lip not to break into a smile in response to his shameless flirting. "You may," I answered playfully.

Julian hummed and drummed his fingers on his lips, thinking. "If it is really so, then I'm not satisfied with 'well', [name]. I can do better. I want to show you." Very slowly he took my hand, brought it to his lips and kissed my fingers softly. "If I may?"

May he? I wondered… His gentle, teasing touch set me on fire, his smell was driving me mad, making my heart beat fast, and my lower abdomen clench deliciously. Suddenly, all I could think about was how his lips may taste, how he would kiss me and hold me. I felt my face burn. May he? I didn't know what to say. After all, I didn't know him. Did I? I mean, I met him only yesterday, didn't I? Then why couldn't I get rid of the feeling that I'd known him for years? Why his flirting didn't really surprise me? Why did I feel more and more natural and secure around him with every passing minute?

Julian must had noticed my hesitation because he smiled and put my hand back on the table, however, he didn't let go of it. "You don't trust me. I understand. Wise decision. Even I wouldn't trust myself."

Here. That also sounded familiar. That was all Julian. "But you helped me today,” I reminded him. “You didn't have to but you did.” I wasn't sure, though, if I was just wondering or convincing myself to let him act.

"Did I help you?" he mused with a dark look in his eye. "Or did I do it for myself?"

"But at first, you wanted to guide me safely to my shop," I pointed out.

"Well... True…"

"You know what?" I too leaned towards him, feeling boldly. "I think you pose as the bad guy but deep inside you are the kindest man in the whole city."

He chuckled quietly. "Really, investigator? Is this what you're going to tell the Countess?"

"No, of course not, she wouldn't..."

"What if you're wrong and I'm not kind? What if I'm quite the opposite? What if I brought you here for my entertainment? What if I'll hurt you?"

He almost scared me. Almost. The sorrow evident in his expression ruined the image of a heartless villain he wanted to sell.

"Why, will you?" I asked calmly.

He frowned as if he were in pain. My breath hitched when he took my hand in both his, raised it to his face and kissed my palm hard, then laughed sadly. "Why do I feel that I already did..." He gave me a puzzled look. "[name], [name]… Do I know you?"

I was taken aback by the sudden change of subject. I shook my head weakly. "I'm not sure," I admitted.

"Because I have this overwhelming impression that I do! It’s been in on my mind since the very night you smashed a bottle on my head.” He shook his head with a smile on the memory. “I felt that I deserved it but not only for breaking in and sneaking up on you. There was something more, I knew it. I  _ know _ it." He stared off into the space for a while, before he spoke. “You know… To be honest with you… And I feel that I can be… I lack memories. I don’t remember whole years. In my mind, there is that… big, dark hole, where should be a few years, and then, after, I’ve got only last two or three years until now. Crazy, huh?”

I stared at him wide-eyed. It couldn’t be a coincidence. I guess I had to talk to Asra when I see him next time. “Yes, it is crazy. Even more so because I remember nothing from three years ago, too.”

Julian’s eye widened in shock. “Are you serious?”

“Yes. And, I must confess, I have the same feeling about you, too. That I knew you before,” I added quickly, feeling myself blush.

"What if we are right?” he asked with excitement. “What if my feeling is true and I  _ did _ hurt you? What if I'll hurt you  _ again _ ? I could never forgive myself, [name]. How could I have hurt you at all? What a terrible thing have I done to you that I feel it even if I don’t remember it?"

My heart sank a bit. I wasn’t able to answer any of his questions, though I wanted to. Moreover, I had to admit to myself that I too had an impression that his hunch was correct. Still, the sadness in his eye was breaking my heart. I stroke his cheek with my thumb, and he pressed his face into my hand, so hungry for my touch. "If both our feelings are true,” I said softly. “then probably I have forgiven you a long time ago."

"How can you be so sure?"

“How can you?”

He snorted. “Aren’t you too trusting for your own good, dear?”

I shrugged. "I trust my intuition." Like the Countess told me to.

"What if it’s wrong?"

"What if it’s right?"

He laughed softly. "You’re impossible.”

“Look who’s talking…”

“Right.” He kissed my palm again, with a smile on his face. “Then I'll pour us some more wine. To raise a toast to my assumed innocence, isn’t it?"

"Perfect. To your innocence."

We drank to it (I only sipped), still holding hands.

"You're a much better investigator on my case than I could have ever imagined, dear [name]," he smirked. "And so much prettier."

I laughed. "Has anyone ever told you what nonsense you say?"

"Once or twice." His gaze roamed over my face with a small smile on his lips. I started to get uncomfortable, but then he said: "I'd just love to dance with you."

For a while I didn't know what to say. "But there's no music."

"So what?" He stood up, bowed and offered me his hand. "May I have this dance, my lady?"

May he? I hesitated but took his hand and stood up. "You're drunk."

"No, not at all. And I'm not going to drink even a drop of wine more. I'd rather die than forget this night. I'm having too much fun with you." He pulled me close but gently. He took my right hand into his, and put his right one on the small of my back. I set my left hand lightly on his chest. I let him lead. We swayed slowly to the rhythm playing in his head. It was... nice. Very nice. I started to relax despite the heavy atmosphere we set a while ago. My head was kind of light, but I couldn't decide if it was because of the pleasant mood or the new secrets discovered, or because of Julian being so close to me. I could feel the warmth of his body and his rapid pulse under my palm. He breathed slowly, deeply, as if trying to control himself.

I looked up at him. He was staring at me again, serious, but also puzzled and flushed. He smiled at me, when he met my gaze. "I'm staring, I know. But I don't think I'll apologise. You're stunning."

"I'm tousled, dishevelled and tired from running around all day and night."

Julian shook his head with a chuckle, and dipped me. "Stunning," he repeated, and brought me up again. The coat slipped from my shoulders and on the floor. He didn't seem to mind. "Charming." He turned me around slowly, letting his right hand slip over my waist, stomach and back again, and pressed me flush to him. "Absolutely amazing," his hot breath ghosted over my mouth. Our lips were merely an inch away.

"You're always such a flirt, aren't you?" I teased him to hide the sudden mixture of desire and panic growing in my stomach.

To my surprise, he blushed deeper and let out an embarrassed chuckle. "Well, kind of, I am. I confess, investigator, I plead guilty." He sported his cheeky expression for a while, but suddenly, it got softer, serene, almost, I would say, vulnerable. He sighed as if defeated. "I don't want to lie to you. I... I like you. I know we met merely,  _ supposedly _ , a couple of days ago but still, I really do like you. You're so... so..."

"Stunning, charming, amazing?" I prompted.

He smiled shily. "Yes, as the matter of fact, you are, [name]. You... fascinate me. From the very first time I saw you... At least, the first time I remember. You're brave, and graceful, and witty, and so full of surprises. I'd love it if I got to be surprised by you more in the future."

“I hope so, too.”

This was so unreal. Magical. I'd never felt like this before. I'd never been so close to a man. Not that I remembered. Well, maybe to Asra, but still, not like this. He'd never made me feel this way – so sensitive to every touch and look, so aware and confused at the same time. Julian's intoxicating scent was all around me now. I felt his chest raise and fall against mine, and his thighs brush mine from time to time as we swayed. His hand holding mine was twitching every now and then, and the one on my back was playing with the hem of my shirt. Was he nervous? Was he really honest? Was he as lost and scared as I was now? Could I trust him if he was, and let myself go?

"Can I trust you?" I heard myself ask quietly.

I felt Julian stiffen. He seemed sad all of the sudden. "I wish you could. I wish I could assure you that you can. But I can't promise you that. There is too much I don't remember about myself. You cannot trust me if I don’t know what I've done to you. Not if I don’t know what I'm capable of. I'm sorry."

"Can I trust you tonight, then? At least until dawn?"

He doubted for a while but then, he smiled, and the way he did made my heart melt. What was he doing to me? It was so bizarre, so unpredictable... So thrilling. Addictive.

"Yes, I think for the rest of the night I can be trustworthy." He squeezed my hand tighter and pressed me closer to him, stopping our dance for a while. "Tonight, no harm will be done to you, I promise you this," he said with a low, solemn voice, making me smile.

"Thank you."

He resumed to sway us. "The pleasure is all mine, dear." Suddenly, he embraced me with both his arms, lifted and turned us around.

I laughed surprised, putting my arms around his neck. When he put me down, I saw him beaming.

"Wow," he said only.

"What again?" I asked, blushing.

"Nothing. Everything. You. You're amazing. Simply amazing."

"Why, thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

"Oh [name]!” He threw his head back dramatically. “To hear such a reserved compliment from your sweet lips is like getting the most sincere and ardent confession from the very bottom of one's heart."

I laughed openly and instinctively pressed my forehead to his chest to hide my face. "Sorry. I guess I'm not very good at giving compliments."

"That's alright. I'll be good at it for both of us."

"Who says you're good at it?" I teased him.

"Well, you know," He leaned to my ear and whispered, brushing his lips against it ever so slightly. "I allowed myself to believe so, because with each one that lovely blush on your cheeks is getting brighter." He pecked my cheek before straightening.

My face was positively burning at that time. I was already almost desperate to kiss him. And if he wouldn't do it soon, then I would.

He sighed and wrapped his arms tight around my waist. We were barely dancing anymore – we were just hugging. "[name]..." he breathed my name, tasting it. "What a turn of events. If someone told me this night would go like this, I'd think they're mad." He nuzzled my temple with his nose. "[name]..." He shook his head slightly. "I can hardly believe that you're here, that I am holding you so close. Or is it just a dream of a miserable drunk?"

"It's not. I'm here," I whispered. I closed my eyes in bliss.

What was happening to me? I was so drawn to him. I was completely vulnerable to his charm. I couldn’t… I didn't even know how to fight it. And I think I didn't really want to. I just wanted more of this.

Julian hummed, evidently as pleased as I was. His hands roamed slowly over my back, brushed my sides, squeezed and encircled my shoulders, to finally went still – one again on the small of my back, the other in my hair, on my nape.

My skin tingled. I was getting hot. It was so arousing. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be with him. He shouldn't touch me like this and I shouldn’t enjoy it so much and crave for more.

"If I'm doing anything you don't want me to do, just tell me," he whispered.

And what if you're  _ not _ doing something I want you to do? I thought it to myself but didn't dare say it out loud. "It's perfect, Julian," I just whispered back.

He hummed again. "I'm so lucky tonight.” He nuzzled my cheek with his nose and kissed the same place. Then, he kissed my cheek again, and again, each time closer to my lips. I tensed, waiting, but suddenly, he withdrew. “Would I be straining my luck if I asked you of something?" he asked quietly, almost shily. He looked at me, his expression vulnerable, hopeful.

I shook my head shortly. It was all I could bring myself to do. I didn't trust my voice.

Julian smiled but didn't seem to relax yet. "I… um... If you want it, too, of course... You'd make me the happiest man on Earth. It's, um..." He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to mine. "Would I be asking for too much if I wanted to... to kiss you?" he said on one breath. He looked at me again, so hopeful and scared, and hungry.

I felt so powerful right then. He was making me powerful. I could refuse, push him away, and he wouldn't complain. I could want to leave immediately, and he would insist on walking me home. Or I could agree and make us both happy for a while during this crazy times.

I hesitated for a while, and it was enough to make him back away. "Sorry. It's alright if-"

I stood on my tiptoes, pulled on the collar of his shirt and kisses him hard.

I knew it was alright. But this was so much better.

He was shocked for a split second, then he was again holding me tight. He kissed me heatedly, desperately, but slowly, thoroughly, and I gave each kiss back with the same energy.

His lips were delicious, like I supposed. He held me flush against him as if I could disappear if he didn't. He moved his hand up and brushed my cheek tentatively. I sighed in pleasure and like on cue, his touches grew bolder. He tipped my head gently and kissed me deeper, slipping his tongue into my mouth, sliding it against mine.

I moaned, and he moaned right after me. My lower abdomen clenched painfully, exquisitely. My breath was quick, shallow, and my blood was humming in my ears. I was dizzy, my legs were weak, and I would surely fall if he wasn't holding me. My blood was boiling, my skin was burning, and only his touch could put it out.

He touched my face, my neck, my back, but I wanted more. I needed more. I wanted all of him, I wanted him to take me and cherish me, and I wanted to give him twice as much in return. Right now, I didn't care if he was a murderer. I didn't care about what he might had done to me in the past. I didn't care about the investigation, the Countess, Asra or anyone, or anything. I just wanted him. I wanted us.

Suddenly, I remembered how to move again. My hands grew restless. I slipped them up his neck. It was hot and I felt his pulse race underneath my fingers. I touched his beautiful, messy, auburn hair, and unconsciously grabbed and pulled a handful, earning another tortured moan from him.

I barely noticed when he pushed me, making me go backwards until I hit the edge of the table with the back of thighs. He lifted me and sat me on the table top. Our empty glasses fell and rolled on the floor with a smash. We barely even noticed.

He wasn't close enough. I spread my legs and encircled them around his hips. Immediately, he slid my hips to the very edge, and pressed onto me. I had to lean on one arm not to fall flat on my back. I immediately felt his hot, already hard cock on the soft inside of my thigh. It aroused me so much more. I put my hand on his hip, and with both it and my legs I pressed our aching sexes together, making us gasp.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry," I heard Julian say. All of the sudden, he wasn't touching me. He moved back and placed his hands flat on the table.

"What?"

He looked at me. He was flushed and panting. His lips were red and glossy with our saliva. His pupil was so dilated that his eye was almost black. There was still lust and heat in it, but now also concern.

"I'm rushing. I'm sorry, dear. You let me kiss you but it's slipped out of control. I lost control. I’m so sorry. Are you alright? Did I do anything you didn't want? Just tell me. I'm sorry. I promised I wouldn't hurt you, and now this…"

I was breathless. I couldn't gather my thoughts to respond. So, if I couldn't find words, I let my actions speak for me.

I cupped his face with my hands and stroked his cheeks, making him sigh. I leaned in and kissed him – gently, slowly, caressing his lips with mine. But he still was too far away from me, still certain of his guilt, not daring to touch me.

"Oh Julian..." I sighed against his lips. I looked at him. He seemed strained, craving, suffering. I had to change that. "You silly. Can't you see how much I want you?"

He hesitantly raised his hands to my face. He brushed my hair away from my forehead, and put it behind my ears. "How much?"

I felt a little embarrassed on the thought of saying it out loud. It seemed silly. However, I didn't think Julian would think it was silly. I thought he would be delighted to hear it.

"I  _ want _ you, Julian. You're driving me crazy. I want you to take me. Please. I want you to have me, to possess me. I don't want to wait any-"

Julian didn’t let me finish. He smashed our lips together and kissed me again and again, and again with renewed force. He groped my thighs and bucked against my crotch, sending shivers throughout my body.

I was done being prude. I pulled on his shirt. He got the cue and helped me take it off. I ran my hands down his broad arms and chest, and slender waist and hips, and up his back.

"I love your skin," I breathed. I knew he'd be thrilled to hear more compliments and praises from me.

And he was. He moaned into my mouth. "You're amazing." He moved his lips to my cheek, than jaw, and down, on my neck.

A delightful shiver went through my body and I tipped my head back, silently begging him to kiss me there more.

While he was giving me sweet, open-mouth kisses along my neck and behind my ear, I also felt him move his hand to the buttons of my shirt, and stop.

"May I...?"

"Undress me."

We spoke at the same time. Julian didn’t need to be told twice. He moved back to my lips, and I took the lead, while he focused on undoing my shirt. The stupid pearl buttons were small and slippery, so it took him a while.

"Sorry," he laughed with embarrassment.

I didn't answer, I just kissed his neck the way he kissed mine before. This way I only managed to distract him more and make his fingers even clumsier, but eventually my shirt was open. I shrugged it off of my shoulders, and pressed my front to his, enjoying the marvellous skin-to-skin sensation.

Julian's hands touched me with new curiosity and adoration. He stroked my shoulders, up my neck, and down my shoulder blades and spine, and again up my sides stopping just under my breasts.

I didn't hesitate. I guided his hands up and pressed them to my breasts. The feeling made me gasp. Without further encouragement, he caressed them, stroked, squeezed delicately. Then, he rolled my nipples between his fingers, and drew a long moan from me.

On this sound, growled deep in his throat impatiently. “Oh, woman, what are you doing to me…” He wrapped his arms around me, and kissed me hard, tilting us back until I was lying flat on the table with him on top of me. He gripped my hip with one hand, and pressed and rubbed his stiff cock over my swelling, sensitive sex through the infuriating layers of our clothes.

Julian seemed to share my opinion. "Bed. I want to take you to bed," he panted. "Please."

I only nodded without really thinking, and a second later, I was up, holding onto him with my arms and legs. I took the opportunity to nibble on his ear and suck lovebites on his neck. In response, he gripped my thighs harder. I felt his cock twitch between my legs.

He brought me to his bedroom, and left the door open, letting some of the amber candlelight inside. He put me gently on his bed, and knelt between my legs, but I pulled him back on top of me. The feeling was exquisite. Our bare chests touching, his weight on me, his hips between my thighs.

"You're amazing," he repeated I don't know which time.

" _ You're _ amazing," I countered and earned another adoring kiss.

He really was amazing. His hands on me, his touches, kisses, the way he looked at me... Right. Wouldn't it be better if I could see both of his eyes, even if the other one wasn't working? If I could see all of his face? Without any further thought, I slipped a finger under his eyepatch.

Immediately, Julian grabbed my wrist. He looked at me with wide eye. "What are you doing?"

"I... I just wanted to see your whole face. I'm sorry," I said, feeling embarrassed. I didn't expect such a harsh reaction.

Julian saddened. "I'm afraid it's not a pretty view."

I lifted my head and kissed his forehead and cheek. "It can't be that bad," I said but the look he gave me meant that yes, it was. "It's alright." I kissed his cheek again. "Leave it on. I don't want to hurt you, either. I'm sorry. I didn't know. What can I do to make you feel better?"

He stared at me without a word for a while. Then, he slid off of me. I was afraid that I crossed a line and now he'd want me to leave, but he laid on his side, still embracing me. He gave me one more miserable look, then took off the eyepatch.

I scrutinised his face. The eye seemed whole but I couldn't tell with his long fringe on his face. I brushed it away slowly, gently, not to scare him. He then closed his eyes and frowned as if he was in pain. I waited patiently, not pushing. After a while, with a heavy sigh, he looked at me again.

His right eye was indeed whole, even working, and... red.

I froze. "But..." I stumbled. "But you're not sick."

"I was. Now I'm not but…  _ this _ stayed,” he said, his voice full of disgust. “I understand if you want to leave now."

The sound of finality in his voice struck me but I quickly recovered. I smiled softly at him.

"Why would I, dear Julian?"

His eyes widened in shock, then narrowed. “You’re mocking me.”

“No, I’m not,” I replied calmly, and stroked his cheek with my knuckles.

He almost winced at my touch. “Aren’t you… Aren’t you repelled?”

“Why would I be? I thought there would be a big, black hole under the eyepatch, but this… It’s nothing.” Julian didn’t seem convinced, so I rose on my elbow and leaned down over him. “You really don’t know how beautiful you are, do you?” I asked rhetorically and kissed his twisted mouth.

“Really?” he mumbled, wrapping his arms around my back.

“Really what?”

“You think… that…?”

“Of course I do. And your eye… It’s kind of hot.”

He laughed against my lips. “You’re crazy.”

“Look who’s talking again…” I murmured before he turned on his back, pulled me on top of him, and sealed our lips in a feverish kiss.

"Are you serious?" he asked between kisses.

"Oh, Julian..." I straddled him and sat up, not ashamed anymore of his gaze on me, nor to look at him. "You're perfect. Just look at yourself." I moved my hands from his face, down his neck, heaving chest and muscular abdomen and slender hips... and his cock straining against his trousers.

Oh my...

I bit my lip and looked up at him. Julian was staring at me with awe.

"I said look at  _ yourself _ ," I reminded him.

"I'd rather look at you, dear." His eyes roamed over my breasts and belly. "Come here. To me. Closer. Please." He outstretched his hand and stroked my cheek. I leaned into his touch, pressed his palm to my face and kissed the inside of his hand. I went lower, kissing wetly his soft wrist, then up, licking his thumb with the tip of my tongue, and taking it into my mouth and sucking. I made him moan softly and buck restlessly against my spread thighs. “I said closer,” he panted impatiently. He sat up and made me kiss him, grabbing the hair at the back of my head. His other hand fumbled with the stupid multiple layers of my skirt. "Where are you..." he mumbled, frustrated, making me smile against his lips. "It's not funny. I'm dying to touch you and these things have no end," he complained, before flipping my on my back and sitting between my legs. He went straight for the button, which kept all the layers together, and hesitated.

"Sorry! I... May I?"

"You should."

He smirked at me and leaned over my belly. He thanked me for the permission by leaving hot, opened-mouthed kisses on my skin. He went lower, to the button, and flipped it open. He slowed down then, and unfolded my hips with reverence as if unpacking a precious gift. I watched his muscles work under the skin of his hunched back. He kissed me lower, purring with delight. "I want to taste you," he whispered hoarsly and looked up at me. "May I taste you?"

The hunger in his eyes made my heart skip a beat. I managed to nod.

Julian kept the eye contact when he slowly slipped his tongue from the top of my groin to the aching bud of my clit.

My breath hitched with the pleasure that shot through my body.

Julian closed his eyes and keened. He didn't take his time anymore. He was lapping and kissing and licking me messily, wetly, making wanton sounds. "You're delicious," he panted in one moment.

I barely heard him, lost in the divine torture. It was too much and not enough at the same time. The muscles of my legs were twitching, I didn't control it. My inner muscles clenched and unclenched around empty space. I needed more. And I wanted to touch Julian so badly. I reached out and tangled my fingers in his hair. He gripped my hips harder, then moved one hand up to my breast and played with it.

I was a mess, feverish, but I wanted  _ more _ . I wanted more of Julian. I pulled on his hair to bring him up, but instead he moaned and slipped his tongue inside me. I gasped. It was amazing, but not enough.

"No, no, no," I chanted and pulled his hair again.

This time he shot right away from me. "Sorry! I didn't mean to..."

"No, no. Come to me. Come here, please!" I asked desperately and pulled him on top of me, and squeezed him with my thighs.

I kissed him, oh god, how I kissed him. His mouth was wet and I could taste myself on it. I kissed him the way he pleasured me – messily, wetly, loudly. I touched him wherever I could reach. I touched his face, his hair, arms, back, buttocks.

He relaxed quickly; his momentary fear replaced with raw hunger and lust. He kissed me back the same way I kissed him, and touched me and groped me wherever he could, and rubbed his neglected, stone-hard erection over my wet, sensitive groin.

I was moaning and whimpering. I almost didn't recognise myself. I had never been so aroused and needy in my entire life. "Please," I panted between kisses. I reached between our bodies and started to undo his trousers. “Please, I want you, please.”

“Oh [name]…” he growled and lifted up eagerly and helped me. He rose for a while to take them off but I was too excited to wait for him. I rose as well and kissed his neck and ear. The hickeys I made before disappeared, so I made some new ones.

His trousers were off. I didn't wait for us to lay back down. Still caressing his neck, I took his hard, swollen cock in my hand and pumped right away, first slowly, then harder. Julian cried out and went rigid for a second. Then, he turned to me and, lost for words, just looked at me, ravishing me with his gaze, begging me to submit to his want. And, dear god, I'd hate to keep him waiting.

"See if I'm ready," I breathed faintly. I bet I was but I wanted to make sure anyway to avoid the painful surprise. I wanted it to be good.

Julian kissed me shortly and moved away to observe my face when he reached down and slipped two fingers inside me.

I saw him frown and open his mouth in delight before my eyes fluttered shut.

"You're so soft," he gasped and pumped his fingers inside me, making me shiver and hardened my grip on his arms. "Is it alright?"

I nodded. I managed to look at him, desperation evident on my face. "Please...?" I breathed.

Julian removed his fingers and pushed me back on the bed. "Whatever you wish, love," he murmured but was too worked up to manage to smirk. He embraced me with one arm and pushed the other one between our bodies. He lined up and pushed inside me, biting his lip with effort to do it slowly, gently, not wanting to hurt me. Still, his cock stretched me, filling me mercilessly, forcing my walls to adjust to his size. My back arched and I dug my fingernails into his arms, breathing deeply, loudly. When he was fully in, when his hips rested at the back of my thighs, he let out a long half-relieved, half-tortured moan. He was already panting and gripping my arm and hip with hands trembling from effort. "Everything alright?" he managed to speak.

"Yes. Yes, perfect. But please go slowly on me first."

"Of course," he gasped as if it was obvious, even though his strain was evident.

I bit my lip. Damn, I could fall for him...

Julian slipped out of me, slowly, as he promised, almost entirely, and then he pushed back in in the same pace, making me throw my head back, squeeze my eyes shut and cry out shamelessly.

It was so good I didn't know what to do with myself. I could feel every inch of him, the whole length of the thick, smooth shaft, and the big, swollen head. He was so hot, so big inside me. I must had looked as if I was suffering, which, in a way, I was, because he asked suddenly with concern in his voice:

"Am I causing you pain?"

I shook my head. "Absolutely not. Don't stop, don't stop, please!" I cupped his face and brought him down. I kissed him hungrily, desperate for more and more. Julian moaned and gave up. His moves quickened. He set an unforgiving pace. He spread his thighs, making me spread mine and take him even deeper. I cried out on the new, stronger sensation. I cried out with every quick, hard push. All I could do was to submit to him; let him have my body, and enjoy it. Oh god, how I enjoyed it. How much I needed this. 

Julian was panting, moaning, mumbling into my ear, forgetting himself in the pleasure. "[name], oh [name], oh god, my dear, my darling, you feel amazing, I could fuck you all night, [name], my love, please, please..."

The sweet nothings turned me on even more. I clenched unintentionally around his cock, making us both gasp. Julian sped up even more. His thrusts became brutal, sending waves of raw pleasure through me. The bed swayed with his thrusts and creaked. His hips slapped loudly against my thighs. He was taking me so deep. The mixed pleasure-pain sensation was driving me mad. My legs were twitching again. I pressed my hand between us and touched my clit hard. The pressure built immediately inside me and within a few minutes, I was falling. My whole body tensed, my back arched, my mouth fell open and I was screaming and whimpering as the unbelievable pleasure rushed through my body like fire. It didn't seem to end. My hand hurt, my legs were getting tired, my clit stung and ached, but I didn't let go. I didn't want it to finish. I didn't want this night to end.

But I had to finish, and the moment I removed my hand, Julian turned on his back and pulled me on top of him. I didn’t lose a beat, though I was dizzy from the overwhelming sensations. I straddled him, my thighs wide, I put my hands on his chest for leverage, and kept moving up and down, in the same, quick rhythm, clenching my inner muscles.

Julian was flushed. His cheeks, neck and chest were bright red. His chest was heaving. His hair was beautifully dishevelled. I couldn't stop watching him.

He grabbed my hips, pressing them onto him, placed his feet on the mattress, and pumped into me deeper and with even more force than before. I collapsed on top of him and cried out. I was spent, I was sore and a bit dry already, and this let me experience another dimension of this sweet torture, this exquisite pain.

"A little more, a little longer, please, please," I begged him.

"I won't last if you keep clenching like this," he panted.

I did my best to loosen up. "I don't want it to end," I confessed desperately.

Julian wrapped his arms around me and buried his face in the crook of my shoulder but didn't stop moving. "Oh god, oh god, oh god, [name]..." he chanted. He moaned, as overwhelmed as me. “Whatever you want. I'll give you anything. Everything.” He slowed down a little. His thrusts didn't lose on force, still making me gasp with each one, but became longer, deeper, more thorough and deliberate.

I rose on my arms to counter each push, to make it even more intense. I looked down at Julian. He was a picture of pure indecency and bliss: head thrown back, eyes closed, mouth red and open; sweaty; cheeks, ears, neck and chest blushed deliciously.

I bit my lip and closed my eyes, too, enjoying myself. When I opened them after a while, I caught Julian staring at me with awe.

“Wow,” he breathed and touched my face. 

I guess I looked pretty much like he did. Then, I really must had been quite a view.

“Come closer. I want you closer,” he asked, and I gladly complied.

I encircled his neck with my arms and nestled my face in the crook of his shoulder. I kissed and bit his neck and arm, making him whimper and shudder. He put his hand on the back of my head, keeping me close.

After some time, unfortunately, I started to get seriously sore. The pain was getting unbearable and almost overshadowed the pleasure. Plus, from Julian's ragged breath and small, strangled moans, I could tell he was already worked up beyond imagination.

"Come inside me," I breathed, kissing his neck and cheek. "Will you come inside me? I want to feel it."

"Oh god, yes," he moaned and grabbed my hips again.

I rose on my hands to watch him and to let him see me.

And he looked at me, exhausted, tortured by the pleasure my willing, soft body was giving him, longing for release. "You're so beautiful, [name]. So beautiful."

"I'm yours, I want to be yours, only yours," I whispered suddenly, without thinking, surprising myself, as if speaking from another life.

Julian threw his head back and shut his eyes. His breathing sped up into loud gasps. Within seconds, he was coming, with hard, shallow pushes that made me scream last few times in the pleasure-pain.

When he was done, his breathing changed into deep, heavy sighs, and his hands slipped from my hips. I felt his legs fall apart on the bed. I was exhausted, too. All my body unclenched, my breathing slowed down. I felt wonderful, though, I was far from having enough of Julian. I was satisfied for the night but… I couldn’t and didn’t want to agree that this was the end of our adventure. Without much more thinking, I rose, letting his cock slip out of me. I didn't care about the mess I would make – his sperm was already dripping down my thighs. I didn't think he would care, too. I laid beside him with my head on his shoulder and my arm placed across his chest. Even though he was spent, he took my hand and embraced me, pulling me closer. He turned his head towards me and kissed my forehead.

We laid like this, slowing our breaths together. Under my forearm, I felt his pulse calm down. I breathed in deeply his wonderful scent, I breathed in the strange, tantalising smell of sex. My inner muscles clenched on their own from time to time, making me shiver with remainders of my ecstasy.

“Are you cold?” he asked with concern. Before I answered, he sat up to grab a blanket rolled on the end of the bed, and covered us with it. He hugged me tight and rubbed my arm and back. “Better, dear?”

I nodded and he sighed with satisfaction. He kept stroking my skin, softly, unhurriedly now. I nestled my head in the crook of his shoulder and wrapped my arm over his back, breathing him in.

Julian started to stroke my knuckles with his thumb, and I smiled, and pressed closer to him. I felt him smile, too, and he turned on his side and hugged me tight, sighing with satisfaction.

It was amazing.

I smiled, I couldn’t help it. Then, he pressed a kiss to my forehead, and I felt him smiling, too.

Truly amazing… But why?

"You keep calling me 'dear'," I whispered without really thinking it through.

Julian tensed slightly but wasn't answering, and for a moment I was relieved that he didn't hear me. But he did. 

"Is that… Should I not?" he asked sheepishly, catching me off guard. 

"No. I mean yes. I mean… why?"

He pressed me closer to him and nuzzled his nose in my hair. "I don't know. You just… It feels right. You feel so… familiar. So dear to me. But I'm sorry. I shouldn’t… I should bite my tongue." 

I moved slightly away, enough to cup his cheek and look him in the eyes. I looked deep into them, desperate to find answers. Julian was honest, of this I was sure, though, again I didn't know why. And I was also sure that I didn't have the tendency to sleep with strangers. 

So maybe Julian wasn't a stranger…

"Don't," I told him shortly and snuggled back to him, making him relax after a while. 

I don't know for how long we laid like this, just breathing and touching, but suddenly I opened my eyes and noticed that light was different. There was no dim, amber light from the candles. They probably burnt out a long time ago. It was almost completely dark in the room, except for thin, cold rays of grey sneaking in through the curtains on the windows.

The realisation made my heart sink. "It's dawn," I whispered.

Julian opened his eyes and moved so he could look at me. He stroked my cheek and forehead, brushing loose, wet strands away from my face before he said anything. "Don't worry," he whispered back. "My promise is still valid. It will always be."

Right, his promise that he wouldn't hurt me tonight. Frankly, I forgot about it, but it made my heart swell with joy that he didn't. I gave him a tired smile. "You  _ are _ kind."

He chuckled weakly. "Maybe too kind for my own good."

"I'm too trusty, you're too kind..."

"Exactly."

"But I won't hurt you, Julian, I promise.”

A painful frown crossed his face but vanished as quickly as it appeared. He pecked my lips and pressed his forehead to mine. "I wish you could keep it."

I saddened. He was right.

He stroked my hair, giving me goosebumps. I caressed his neck and ear, making him sigh. I could lay like this for hours.

Suddenly, it was much brighter in the bedroom.

"I should get going," I said reluctantly but didn't manage to move.

"Mhm," Julian only murmured sleepily, and wrapped his arms tighter around me.

A warm, tingling sensation filled my chest. I smiled wider. "I really should."

"Yes, of course. But you should've stayed at the palace in the first place, you know.” He rose on his elbow and gave me an I-know-it-all, smug smirk. The effect was ruined by his heavy eyelids falling down every few seconds. “And later, you shouldn't have gone for that drink with me. You definitely shouldn't have gone home with me or let me hold your hand. Or dance with you. Or kiss you. But somehow you're in bed with me now. So why do you suddenly worry about what you should, my dear, beautiful, sweet [name]?"

I snorted. "You're very smart for someone too tired to even keep his eyes open."

"You see, darling, I'm a man of many talents," he informed me. “And I can keep my eyes open. I just didn’t want to. Now I want to. See?” He goggled at me.

I watched his intriguing red and white eye with amusement and pleasure.

"What?" he asked uneasily.

"Nothing. You're just beautiful."

"Oh [name], you're being sweet only to get me into bed."

I snorted again and rolled my eyes. "Yes, of course."

"I knew it!” He flopped on his back. “Oh poor me..."

"You know, I can leave if you fear for your virtue so much." I made a half-hearted attempt to get up.

Within a blink of an eye, Julian rose and pushed me on my back. "No, no, I'm just joking. My virtue is long gone and forgotten. You can corrupt me as much as you wish."

I laughed openly.

"Oh [name]," he sighed happily at the sound and put his head on my chest. "I'm so lucky. Whatever did I do to deserve this wonderful night with you..."

"Everyone deserves to be happy," I assured him, stroking his hair.

"Really?" he doubted.

"You haven't been proven guilty yet. And what if you're innocent?"

He shrugged. "I don't give it much thought. I don't feel innocent. But you make me wish to be."

My heart ached at the confession.

Oh my… I was getting in too deep… How could I let it happen? Why with him? Why did it have to be him? The Countess was sure of his guilt. And I was supposed to chase him, not snuggle him to my chest. What's worse, I started to hope he was innocent, too.

He moved and looked up at me. It was all evident in his eyes: he  _ was _ innocent – the way a child is. He was pure and good, and kind, and so caring... Even though he would never admit this.

"I really don't want to but I should go before the Countess does more than send out a few guards."

Julian nodded sadly but got off of me and helped me out of the bed. He pointed at a screen across the room. I didn't notice it earlier. "There are clean towels and some water if you want to... um... powder your nose or something. I'll be waiting in the  _ salon _ ," he said in a posh way.

"You're impossible," I murmured, shaking my head. I grabbed my clothes and went behind the screen to clean myself up.

Suddenly, my shirt flopped on the top of the screen.

"Sorry, but it was still on the table. Sorry. I'm going out. I didn’t see anything. I’m out." I heard Julian say.

I laughed to myself. "Thank you," I shouted out to him.

I put my dirty, wrinkled, expensive clothes on, and did my best to brush my hair with my fingers. Then, I went to the, as he put it, salon.

Julian was ready. He put the eyepatch back on. He had a clean shirt on and the rest of his clothes, including jacket and those ridiculous, high boots.

"Are you going somewhere?" I asked surprised.

He looked at me with wide eyes and blushed a bit. "Yeah, well... I, um, I supposed I walk you back to the palace. I thought it was obvious."

"Oh." Somehow, I didn't think he would want it. "Is it a good idea? I mean, I'd love to." I hurried with explanation because he saddened at once. “But would it be safe for you?"

Julian brightened and brushed it with a wave of his gloved hand. "Don't worry about me, dear [name]. The guards won't get me unless I want them to." He smiled cockily. "Besides, it's early. Most of the city is still asleep. No one will bother us."

I shouldn’t agree but I was glad I could steal some more time with him before I return to the reality. "Alright, then. Let's go."

We got to the door, Julian unlocked it, put his hand on the knob but didn't move it.

"Is something wrong?"

He shook his head with an unsure smile, and took my hands in his. "I just... Eh... It was the best night in my life, [name]. You really are amazing. There is no one quite like you. And, um... I know our deal included only the night and now it's morning, but I still... Well, just, could I... have one last kiss?"

Even though I was exhausted, even though I should be more than sated after the night, his words made me feel alive again.

I smiled and hugged him without hesitation. "I hope it won’t be the last one."

He hummed with pleasure as he sealed my lips with his. We kissed deeply, passionately, as if nothing had happen tonight, as if we were still starving for each other's touch and affection. I knew Julian would not be the first to stop and make me return to the palace, so I had to gather all my strength and pull away. "I have to go."

He nodded. "One more time, please." He kissed me again, moaning low in his throat.

A delicious shiver ran through me. I had to stop this before I'd give in to him. "I  _ really _ have to go... I'm sorry."

He nodded again. Reluctantly, he pulled away, but hugged me tight and kissed my cheek before opening the door.

We walked through the empty streets of Vesuvia, holding hands and bumping our shoulders every now and then. We didn't talk. What was there to say?

I felt confused and sad. And scared. What have I done? What the hell have I gotten myself into? I couldn't stop the investigation and even if I did, someone else would conduct it. Someone less favourable for Julian. And what if I, despite my wildly growing affection for him, found a proof of his guilt? What would I do? Reveal it? Let him be hanged in front of my eyes? Or hide it from both the Countess and him? Would I simply lie to him?

I didn't need to think much about the last issue. The answer was no.

Fear and pain rushed through me. Tears flowed into my eyes. I squeezed Julian's hand tighter, and he squeezed mine back. I peeked at him. He looked pensive, too. And judging from the look in his eye and clenched lips, those were not pleasant thoughts.

Oh god. What was I going to do?

Absorbed by our concerns and doubts, we reached the Rowdy Raven. It was already (or yet) quiet inside. In front of the bar, on the ground, sat two peculiar figures: a rabbit and a deer.

Julian snorted. "Well, well, there was no fancy dress party yet when we were here, was there?" He winked at me, jolly again.

"I know them."

Julian looked at me wide-eyed. "Do you? Seriously? Where from?"

"The palace. They're guards I was supposed to hunt down for the Countess. It's a long story. Maybe some other time," I added because of the look of disbelief on his face.

“Other time, you say?” he murmured and smiled. "I like it."

"I should wake them up and take them to the palace."

"Right. But first..." He pulled me into the alley where he found me in a barrel barely a few hours ago. "How about one more goodbye kiss?"

"Why, you're getting bold, aren't you?" I scolded him half-heartedly and let him pull me into an embrace.

"Yes, thank you. Now, may I? Please?"

I laughed softly. "That's better," I praised him and leaned into the kiss. But I stopped it in the last moment by putting a finger on his lips. "But a short one. Can you make it a short one?" I asked doubtfully.

"Um… No, I don’t think so."

"Oh. Well, what the hell..."

I climbed on my tiptoes and wrapped my arms around his neck. The kiss was slow, sweet, and I melted into it, though I definitely shouldn’t. But I couldn't stop, and I didn't really want to. I tilted my head, teased his lips with my tongue, grazed his lower lip with my teeth.

“Oh, I miss you already…” he growled.

The sound made my blood boil again.

What was I doing? I had to go. I had to leave. But first, I wanted to get the most of this kiss; to give into it all the longing I already felt; all my fear and hope. So I pressed on him, and pushed his back against the wall. I grabbed his hair and bit his lip, then licked it and bit again. I kissed him hard, very hard, wanting him to remember me after we part. Finally, I pecked his cheek, and, leaving us both flushed and breathless, I left the alley.

“Ludovico! Bludmila! Up! I got you, game’s over. Chop, chop, let’s go,” I tried to wake them up and by the way, revive myself from the feverish haze in my head.

With each other’s help, the poor guards got up reluctantly, whining. They were exhausted and apparently still drunk.

“Come on, get up. Ready?” They nodded weakly, but smiled. “Rough night, huh? Yeah, tell me about it. May I have my card back, please?” The rabbit took the Emperor out from his pocket and gave it to me. “Thank you. Now, let’s go.” We headed back to the palace, but I let myself look over my shoulder one last time.

Julian was leaning against the wall nonchalantly. On meeting my gaze, he looked at the ground and let a short laugh. He then gazed up at me, smiling and blushing slightly, and spread his hands helplessly.

I smiled with amusement. I caught him staring at me again. That was fine by me. Let him stare away.

With my heart overflowing with lust and affection, sadness and fear, I looked away, saving that one last glance of the charming fugitive in my mind. When we took a turn and I was sure he couldn’t see me, I let out a heavy sigh. What had I gotten myself into? Whatever was I going to do?


	2. Breaking in

I parted with Portia and headed to check on my shop, as she suggested. Absentmindedly, I walked the busy streets. I barely payed attention to the way and the people bumping into me. There was only one thing on my mind – Julian… I couldn’t stop thinking about him, about the night and morning together. I couldn't stop thinking about the way he looked at me, caressed me, kissed me… I was thinking only about his gorgeous, naked body on top of mine, between my legs, deep, so deep inside me… Oh god… I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I felt my lower abdomen clench with the delicious memory. Oh, what I would give to see him again. To have some more time with him again. But, well, I couldn’t really count on it. He was right when he said he should keep me forever since I knew where he lived. Not that I would tell anyone, though I should, or that I could find the way back, but to have him just for myself for a little bit more. And now, if he was smart, he was probably long gone and I'll never see him again.

I reached the door and removed the sealing spells automatically and opened the locks. I barely noticed when the knob turned itself in my hand, my mind occupied with the memories and images of his large, pale hands on my body, his lips on my skin, his fascinating red eye, full of surprise, and adoration, and lust… Oh god, I had to stop.

The door opened in front of me, and I stepped in, not realising that it wasn't me who opened it, and I bumped right into Julian himself, very much real, very much then and there. When I made sure I wasn’t still daydreaming, I got angry. “Julian!” I exclaimed, then lowered my voice. “What the hell are you doing here? Get inside, right now!” I hissed as I pushed him in and shut the door behind us. “Are you daft? Do you want to get caught? And how did you get in?! _Again_!”

Judging from the look on his face, I didn’t think he listened to me. At first, he was as dumbstruck as I was, but then, a split second after I finished to rant, he simply pounced on me, making me step back to keep balance, and kissed me hungrily, wrapping his arms around my back and waist. His hands wandered impatiently over my body as if he couldn’t decide where to touch me. He groped my shoulders and hips, and thighs and buttocks, and clothes covering them, and stroked my face, tangled his fingers in my hair, while kissing me with bruising force, messily, hotly, grazing his teeth over my lips and hitting them over mine once or twice from the haste and passion.

I was still angry at first and thought of pushing him away and demanding answers, but after an embarrassingly short while, my longing for him won over the anger and I surrendered and melted in his embrace. My hands shot up to cup his cheeks and touch his hair. I stood on my tiptoes and pressed onto him and kissed him back with the same desperate energy. I opened my mouth and tilted my head, deepening the kiss, letting his tongue inside and sliding mine along his. I gasped and moaned into his mouth, right then not caring at all if anyone could hear me. All that mattered was Julian and that he missed me, too, and that he was holding me and kissing me as if we parted months, not hours ago.

“Oh god, I _missed_ you,” he breathed against my lips, then kissed me some more, slower, softly this time, caressing my lips with his, stroking my cheek with his thumb, making me shiver. “What were you saying, my dear? I'm afraid I didn't listen.”

“What? I didn't say anything,” I answered dizzily.

“Oh. Alright.” He moved to kiss my ear and neck, one of his arms around my shoulders, pressing me to him, the other down, his hand on my thigh, massaging it in slow, firm circles.

My head was spinning. I was dizzy with yearning. All I wanted was to take him to my room and undress him, touch him and just fuck with him into oblivion. But then, I remembered I did say something.

“You shouldn't be here,” I mumbled.

“Mmm?” Julian murmured absentmindedly, too busy fondling my ear and groping my bottom.

As much as I would love to just forget about the whole world and let him have his way with me, I gathered all my strength and stepped back. Julian whined and gave me a miserable look. He tightened the hold on my shoulder but I put a hand on his chest.

“Julian, you shouldn't be here,” I repeated louder. “You'll get caught.”

“I don’t care,” he answered dumbly, still hazed.

I punched his chest lightly to wake him up. “Listen to yourself! I don’t think you'll be able to come and kiss me ever again if you're caught and hanged.”

This time he did hear me and stopped pulling me. He ran his hand through his hair and cleared his throat sheepishly. “I guess you’re right…”

“Yes, I am. And by the way – how the hell did you get in? And what are you even doing here?”

He gave me a cocky smile. “Would you believe me if I told you I came to wait for you?”

“ _No_. First of all, you had no idea I would come, and second, you were just going out when I came.”

“True,” he admitted but shrugged and beamed at me. “You know, I don't care. I've been sick from missing you. I'm so happy we ran into each other, I can't really worry about anything else.” He leaned towards me but I turned my head so he only kissed my cheek.

“That’s sweet but you haven't answered. What are you doing here?”

He hesitated for a moment, evidently thinking on a lie, before he smiled cockily and arched his eyebrow. “Why, [name], I hope you don’t think I’m a _thief_. I’m a lot of things but not that. But… you wouldn’t take my word for it, would you?”

I rolled my eyes, sensing a silly trick. “Julian…”

“So…” He shook off his coat with a dramatic move, then unbuttoned his jacket with swift moves and took it off, too. “So search me.” He spread his arms invitingly. “If you find anything of yours, I’ll show myself to the stocks.”

“Julian,” I sighed. I wasn’t in the mood for his antiques.

“Go ahead. Search until you’re satisfied.”

“Julian, do you think I’m stupid?”

His arms fell to his sides and he looked at me wide-eyed. “Of course not.”

“Then why do you expect me to search you when we both know that you keep all the valuable things in your coat or jacket?”

Julian’s face went red. “Um…”

“You don’t even have pockets in your shirt! I do know, I patted it down well enough yesterday. It doesn’t even have buttons! And your trousers are tight enough for me to see… well, to see if you had something from here in them.”

He stared at the floor. “Yeah… Maybe I didn’t think it through…”

He seemed quite embarrassed, so I thought that in such a state he might tell me the truth. “Did you… _take_ anything from the shop?”

He looked me in the eye. “No, of course not. I don’t steal...”

“Alright.”

“…except for kisses.”

“Yes, okay. Now, how do you keep breaking in?”

“Oh, you know, thanks to my innumerable talents…” he hesitated, seeing the look on my face. “And this.” He picked his coat up and from one of the pockets inside he took out a small key and handed it to me.

I examined it. “It’s a key to the backroom. How did you get it?”

Julian flustered and focused on dressing back up. “From Asra,” he mumbled finally.

“Asra? Why would he give it to you?”

He cleared his throat. “Well, ehm, so I could… um, pay him a visit.”

I opened my mouth to speak but closed it. My thoughts were racing. Asra had never even mentioned Julian but frankly, he hardly told me anything. However, the way Julian spoke about Asra – with malice, hurt, almost hatred, and now this blush and tension, made me wonder. There must had been _something_ between them. I looked at him, thinking on how to ask… and I left it. He seemed jittery and ashamed. He knew I was suspecting the truth and braced himself for questions. So I left it. After all, did it matter?

“Why are you dressing up?” I asked instead, and pocketed the key.

Julian, surprised, stopped buttoning up his jacket. “But you said…”

“I said I knew there couldn’t be anything in your shirt or trousers. I never said I didn’t want to touch you.”

He visibly relaxed and smiled beautifully at me. “Oh, [name],” he sighed and came up to me.

We met halfway and fell into each other’s arms. We kissed and this time, I touched Julian, too. I went straight for the done buttons of his jacket, undid them and dove my hands under his shirt. We both sighed at the feeling. His skin was warm and smooth as I remembered. His heart beat strong and fast under my palm. I moved lower to his flat abdomen and slender waist…

Julian suddenly gripped my wrists and squirmed away slightly. “Oh, ehehe… Sorry. Ticklish.”

“Sorry,” I just breathed before I kissed him again. I slipped my hands on his back and apologised by dragging my nails over the skin.

He groaned against my lips and pressed me tighter to him. Now I felt very clearly his growing erection on my hip. It made me feel restless again. My heart sped up, my breath shallowed, my kisses grew impatient. Julian became impatient, too. He reached down to lift my skirt and slipped his hand underneath it, groping me shamelessly.

“I want you,” he gasped between kisses. “I need you.”

Not sure if it was the right time, but enjoying his desperation, I let myself bite his lip and move my hand to cup his cock. I made him gasp and groan and squeeze my thigh hard.

“ _Now_ ,” he growled and backed me until I hit the counter. He pushed his thigh between my legs and hooked my knee over his hip, and rubbed himself against my sensitive groin.

I moaned and clung to him, relishing the feeling of being trapped under him. He was so tall and strong. It was intoxicating – the feeling of vulnerability. I would enjoy nothing more than to submit to him again; to let him take my body and just use it for his desires. Right then, I would let him have me even here, on the counter.

We were getting so lost in the sensations, forgetting where we were and what was happening. There were only the two of us, together. Only our touches, only hot kisses, and quick breaths. Only more and more mattered – more skin, closer, harder. So lost in this, we almost didn't hear a knock on the door.

We froze and shared a terrified look. I was first to react.

“Through the backroom!” I whispered, pulling the key from my pocket and pushing it into his hand.

Within a single moment, he picked up his coat from the floor and then, while I was just getting to the door, barely a second before it opened, he grabbed my wrist and pulled me into the backroom. Inside, not giving me any time to protest, he embraced me and kissed me hard.

“[name]?” we heard from the shop.

With a dissatisfied grunt, Julian pulled away from me. “Bye,” he whispered, pecked my lips last one time, then unlocked the door and disappeared behind it.

“[name], are you here?”

I took a deep calming breath… Oh god… I took another one and did my best to straighten my clothes and hair, to turn my brain back on, and then, I stepped into the shop. “Oh, hello, Portia. I didn’t... Um, I wouldn't do that if I were you.”

She was leaning towards a glass cabinet, now opened wide, in which we kept an old voodoo doll, just about to touch it. On my warning, she straightened up and closed the glass door. “Sorry! It’s just so cute. I just came in. I didn't touch anything else, I swear.”

“That’s alright,” I assured her with a smile.

She looked at me with worry. “Are you okay? You seem… flushed.”

“What? Me? Oh. Um. Yes, maybe a little. I… I was cleaning. I wanted to do as much as I could before we meet.”

She looked around with wide eyes. “Wow. Then you really must have gone through the place like a hurricane. The shop is pristine!”

“Thank you. I did my best. Is it the time already?”

“Yes. Let's go to the main square for the announcement.”

We left the shop and turned into the street leading to the square. We were passing by a narrow alley by the shop when both of us noticed a movement in there.

My heart froze. It was Julian, fumbling with the buttons of his jacket. I took Portia’s hand and opened my mouth to distract her with anything, but it was too late. She stopped and stared into the alley.

“Ilya…?”

Julian’s head snapped up. At once, all the colour drained from his face. “Pasha?”

“Ilya?!” Portia exclaimed, her voice choked by the tears already streaming down her cheeks. She ran towards him and took his face in her hands. “You’re here?”

“Yes, Pasha, I am,” he admitted with shame.

“You… You… You _idiot_!” She hit him in the chest with her small fists. “You utter moron! Do you want to get caught? Do you have a death wish?!”

“No… No, no, of course not. Pasha, I’m sorry, so sorry.”

“You’ll be sorry when I’m done with you!” She tugged on his ear viciously. “When I’ve beaten some sense into this thick head of yours…! Oh my god, [name]!” She turned to me, suddenly remembering about me, dragging poor, stooping Julian behind her. “I’m so sorry, I’ve got something to do. I’ll meet you at the square. I’m sorry.” With this words, she pushed Julian deeper into the alley, into the shadows, and continued to scold him, but this time in a hushed voice.

I didn’t think it was appropriate to listen out, so I just went alone, feeling very confused. I just wanted to prevent from Portia seeing my… well, lover, and it turned out that it was Portia who was scared that I saw Julian. And now, when I thought about it, wasn’t they quite similar to each other? They had the same hair and pale skin, the same thick eyebrows and pretty lips, and most importantly, the sassy way of being. Was it possible they were brother and sister?

To my surprise, I laughed under my breath. So it seemed that I wasn’t the only one for whom the situation was complicated. It consoled me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Julian's offer to search him is cited from the game and does not belong to me.


	3. A visit

After the announcement, Portia and I returned to the palace. There, I was presented to the Countess' courtiers but even though they were… peculiar, to say the least, and the meeting was far from pleasant, it wasn’t what kept bothering me. I couldn't stop thinking about Julian and Asra, and what might had been between them. Judging from Julian’s tone and reactions while talking about Asra, I was almost sure it was something serious, but still, I wanted details. Since he seemed so nervous back in the shop, I spared him the questioning, and hoped for getting answers from my master. So later, I slipped to the palace garden and summoned Asra in the fountain again. I asked him about his relation with the doctor, however, his explanation was far from satisfying.

I remembered that a moment before he appeared in the water, I wondered if to tell him about my own relation with Julian but luckily, I decided against it. If he was so reluctant to share his secrets with me, why should I share mine with him?

Still, I wanted to know and my thoughts ran back to Julian. But how to find him? I was lucky to meet him in my shop today but how to do it now? Then, I remembered – the key to the backroom. I smiled to myself. Sure, he couldn’t know where I would be spending the night but wouldn’t he go and see if I was at the shop anyway?

I wasted no more time in fear someone would see me and stop me. I went straight to the door hidden in the limestone wall and once again fled the palace. Now I knew the way, and even if I got lost, all I needed to do was find the tavern, the… um, the… Raven! The Rowdy Raven, right. If I found it, I would find my shop – I still remembered Julian's instructions from yesterday.

However, I didn't need them. I got there quickly and safely. I unlocked the door and went inside. It was dark and quiet. Asra was still away of course. I went to the backroom and checked the door – it was locked. Good, let it stay this way.

I headed upstairs. I woke up the stove salamander, lazy from being alone for a few days now, and made myself some tea. With a steaming cup in my hands, I went to my room and slumped on the bed, tired after the long night, the long day and another run. I looked around with a small smile, sipping on the hot tea. It was as messy as I told Julian, so different from my quarters at the palace, but it was mine and I missed it. I missed  _ him _ , too. I sighed. Oh, Julian. What has he done to me… He seduced me, kindled me and some strange feelings I already had for him, and I, a fool, let him and, damn, did I enjoy it. The problem was I still wanted more of him. I couldn't stop thinking about him, about the things he did to me and about so much more we could do together. I thought about his lovely face; how it lit up when he smiled. His amazing eyes, both of them, though he thought otherwise. And his body… So tall and slim, his muscles defined and firm… His broad chest, heaving so beautifully underneath me, and his slender hips, fitting just perfectly between my thighs. And his cock... I bit my lip at the memory of it moving inside me. Suddenly, I wanted to taste it; to lick the long, hard shaft, to suck on the beautiful, round, red head; to take as much as I could into my mouth and enjoy its weight and smoothness on my tongue, slide it over my palate, slowly, deeper and deeper until it'd hit the roof of my throat. I sighed. Oh god. I would draw from Julian the most delicious sounds, wouldn't I? I smiled to myself and let out a low hum.

He amazed me. He was young, so tall and handsome, so strong, so much more than me, and yet, so gentle, responsive and pliant. I wondered what he would let me do to him. He didn't hide his inclination towards pain and I wondered if he wanted me to play with him; to trust me and submit, to let me doze the pain and pleasure until he's screaming. Oh, I'd love that. I'd love to see his face flushed, his mouth open, eyes shut and brows knitted together in the effort to take it all I'd give to him. His body tense, trembling, begging, all mine.

I wondered also what he'd do to me if I provoked him enough; if I teased him for hours, spurred him on cruelly, hard enough to finally break him and set him free with all his need and strength, all his want and will, and direct it all on me, take from me everything he desires, anything he wishes without asking me for permission. Oh, how much I would love that.

I sat on the bed, my eyes closed and thighs squeezed together. I didn't notice when I tipped the cup and spilled the tea on the floor, too deep in the fantasies, too focused on relishing the sweet pain they drew from my belly, on how they made my skin tingle and grow hot. I wanted to undress and touch myself so bad but I didn't. I hoped that if I save it for later, Julian would do me the favour. 

Speaking of the devil… I opened my eyes and listened out. I heard the building screech and some people talk in the streets but nothing more. I sighed, slightly disappointed. I thought he would be sneaking in by now. But maybe it was still too early. Maybe Portia really did beat some common sense into him.

Even though I was aroused, I yawned loudly. Too early for him to walk the streets but definitely too late for me to be out of bed. Lazily, I stripped and put one of my sleeping shirts on. I vanished the tea from the floor before I managed to step into it, and crept into bed, under the covers. I let out a long, content sigh. Home, sweet home. Before I knew it, I was dreaming.

And my dreams ran out to Julian. They untangled from the hazy, chaotic images of our lips and bodies pressed close together, from his hands roaming my skin and my teeth grazing his tilted neck, and sprinted out the bedroom and towards the dark city, seeking him out. I tossed and turned in the sheets as they searched the deserted streets, took sharp turns into alleys, skimmed the insides of the sleeping houses. They checked the Raven and Julian's house; every building, even the palace and my bedroom there; everything from the town square to each shadow, each dirty corner… and nothing. He was nowhere to be seen. They returned disappointed, calmer now, and slipped through the backroom like a soft gush of wind, pushing the unlocked door almost imperceptibly. Before I realised what it meant, the bed dipped next me and I re-emerged to reality with a sharp breath. 

“Hush, it's me, it's Julian. Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you,” I heard him whisper above me.

I blinked, shaking the rest of my dream from my mind and sat up to face my dear intruder. It was dark except for the light of the moon creeping in through the window, so I could see the lines of his handsome face and wide shoulders. He turned towards me and placed one hand on the other side of my legs, propping himself comfortably, nonchalantly. In the silence of the night, I could hear him breathe heavily, maybe from the arousing thought that he sneaked into my room, or maybe from the fear of how I would react to this.

I couldn't stop myself from grinning at him, happy and excited that he did use the key the way I thought he would. “What the hell are you doing here?” I whispered anyway for the sake of teasing him.

Julian hesitated but smiled, too. “Why, dear, I thought I was invited.”

“I gave you the key back so you could get  _ out _ .”

“Oh, but you know, keys tend to work both ways, so I thought I was welcome to get  _ in _ , too.”

“Right. Silly me. Give it back, then.”

He laughed. "No way. Not now when I really feel like using it."

"Fine, I'll take it myself." I reached for his coat but he caught my wrist and leaned in, smirking, challenging me. 

"I'd love to see you try."

He was close, so close. Our lips were barely an inch away. I could smell coffee and leather on him, and this unique scent which like on cue made me wet for him. I felt the warmth of his body. Even though the night was cold, I could tell he was already flushed. And I was probably, too. I was dying to touch him but I wanted to play a bit longer. And win of course.

With a sweet smile, I opened my hand and summoned the key. After a moment, it shot from inside the coat and flew straight into my hand.

Julian stared at me wide-eyed for a second. Then, he hissed "Witch!" and tried to open my hand.

I was ready for this. I jumped from the bed and away from him, and I almost wrested my wrist free but I got tangled in the sheets before I took even one step. Julian encircled my waist and without effort pulled me back onto the mattress, pressing his front flush my back, half pinning me down. I squeaked, laughed and squirmed under him, while he did his best to pry my fist open.

“Oh you little thief,” he mumbled. “Alright, sweetheart, you had it coming.” With those words, he started to tickle me. He tickled my side and belly, but I froze and bit my lip, only slightly shaking from laughter. After a minute, Julian realised something was wrong. “You’re not ticklish!” he exclaimed with accusation and indignation evident in his voice. I shook my head and snorted. “Just give it back!” he laughed and tried to get the key the old, primitive way, making me let out a childish, high-pitched laughter and press my hands to my breasts. Suddenly, without a second of break, he stopped fighting and instead he started to caress my neck and bared shoulder with hot, open-mouthed kisses. While his arm beneath us was still wrapped around me and was pressing me tight to his chest, his other hand left my stubbornly squeezed fist and moved down. My night shirt was already hiked up almost to my hip, so the strange, kind of perverse feeling of his gloved hand stroking my bare thigh and buttock send a shiver through my body and made me gasp. 

"Giving up already?" I breathed cheekily while he touched me.

Julian purred like a cat. "Giving up? Oh, darling, I'm already getting started." Simultaneously, gave me a long, slow lick behind my ear and slipped a cool finger between the swollen, wet lips of my sex. I moaned and tensed up, and bucked against his hand, pressing my bottom back at his already stone-hard cock. Julian hummed in satisfaction. For a moment, he withdrew his finger from me and grabbed my hip, pressing me tighter to him and rubbing his erection once or twice against my soft flesh, gasping into my neck, before returning to my sensitive clit.

"I don't care about the stupid key," he breathed hoarsely to my ear, massaging me lazily. "I'm already here, and I've been worked up the whole fucking day. I couldn't stop thinking about you. Your body, your smell, your sweet lips… You're driving me crazy. I just can't bring myself to care about anything now, because we're finally alone, and you’re so close, so soft and hot and ready for me…" He pushed two fingers up my entrance, deep inside my contracting channel.

I cried out on the sensation. I indeed was ready, loose and wet, and Julian's move was slow, but still… The feeling of his fingers forcing their way inside me, thicker and rough because of the leather, was... raw, crude, almost brutal. And it made my blood boil.

"Let me fuck you, sweetheart, please," he whispered, his breath hot against my neck. He kept his fingers deep inside, pumping them in slow, short moves, and spreading them slightly, making me whimper helplessly and grip the sheets. "Let me. I want to make you feel so good. I want to draw more of those beautiful sounds from you."

How could I refuse? I gathered my strength and turned towards him. I pulled him by the collar, capturing his lips with mine. Without missing a beat, he kissed me with force that pushed me flat on my back. My legs spread almost on their own, letting Julian lay between them. He hoisted one of my thighs above his hip and propped it with his thigh. He rubbed his cock through his trousers against my naked skin, breathing heavily through his nose.

I clawed on his clothes impatiently. I unbuttoned his jacket almost tearing the buttons out. Julian tore it off of his back together with the coat, barely breaking the kiss. I pulled his shirt over his head and then went straight to undoing his trousers. 

"Wait, wait, wait," he breathed against my lips, moving away from me.

I didn't understand what was wrong until I saw him struggling to take off his gloves with the shirt tangled around his forearms. But instead of helping, I saw an opportunity to make one of my fantasies come true, and I took it. I slipped down on the floor between his thighs, undid his trousers and slipped them off enough to take his cock out. I admired it for a second before I took as much as I could into my mouth and sucked.

"Oh fuck!" Julian cried out and shuddered violently, his trapped hands falling behind his head. He kept moaning and cursing when I bobbed my head in a quick, enthusiastic rhythm. 

It was delicious. So much better than I imagined. The smell and taste of skin and Julian himself, masculine, so rich and condensed – it was exquisite and so, so arousing. I tasted also something kind of insipid. After a while, I realised it was soap.

Oh, how nice of him. He came prepared.

I smiled around the mouthful and hummed, making him gasp. A moment later, I heard the shirt and gloves fall to the floor on the other side of the bed, and Julian sat up abruptly, probably to bring me up to him. But instead, he froze and groaned.

"Oh [name]… ngh…" he whined, biting his lip, when I took his cock out with a loud slurp, licked the whole length from the root to the head with an innocent look on my face, before slipping it back into my mouth and setting a slow, thorough pace, making my mouth as tight as I could. Julian closed his eyes and took a few loud breaths before he spoke. "I've been dreaming about fucking  you all day but now, when you're doing  _ this,  _ it's hard to decide." He finished with a loud gasp, as if it took all of his strength to form the sentence. "Darling, I just… ah!" I grazed my nails down his abdomen. "Mmm, I-I'll just let you decide. Oh god, oh…" I lapped the head, then sucked a kiss under the verge. "Oh, sweetheart, I'll just do whatever you want, okay? I can't, I can't, I don't know… Mmm..." He lied down back on the bed.

Oh, I did want him to fuck me. But I also wanted to make him come undone like this. I already loved to suck him; I loved the feeling of having my mouth full of his cock. And the noises Julian made were spurring me almost as much as his touches. Then, I thought to myself: Do I have to decide? Can't we do both? Julian is a young, strong man – I'm sure he'll handle two rounds. So I didn't stop. Instead, I picked up the rhythm. I pressed my tongue flat to the shaft and tried to hollow my cheeks the whole time. I stroked the part of his cock outside my mouth with my hand to the rhythm of my head. Julian gasped louder and moaned, so I knew I was doing this right. After a while, I sped up and gripped him harder. He cursed and bucked. A good sign. I pressed his hip down with my free hand and dug my fingers into it. I didn't scratch, not so much, I just kept pressing harder and harder to cause him more pain. And it did work on him. 

"Oh fuck! Yes, please! A little more, just a little more…" he begged and I happily complied until I broke skin. Julian screamed, and I grazed my nails down his hip. Now, his legs were trembling, his breathing was quick and uneven. He was close, so I gave him more. With both my hands, I reached up to his chest and scratched him all the way down to his hips like I meant it. Julian only screamed once, twice, then tensed and bent in half that his abdomen pressed against the top of my head, and spilled himself inside my mouth. He gasped and moaned, and whimpered, and his orgasm seemed to have no end. After a few, long seconds, his breathing slowed down and he just collapsed on the bed. 

I, however, had a little problem. The taste of semen was far from spectacular and I wanted it out. I thought quick and grabbed the empty cup from my nightstand, and spit it all out. I looked up, wiping my lips with the back of my hand, and saw Julian propped on his elbows, watching me with despair. 

"Oh god! I'm so, so sorry! I shouldn’t have… I should never…" he stumbled miserably.

I didn't want him to be so hard on himself. What happened wasn't such a big deal to me, so I climbed on his lap and kissed him hard, wrapping my arms around his hot, sweaty back.

"It's alright," I reassured him, breaking the kiss for a second. 

Julian deepened it, as if tasting himself in my mouth; as if licking it clean to apologise. He embraced me tight, but moved away after a while. "Are you sure? If you don't like it, I swear I'll never ever do it again."

"Well, frankly, it won't be my favourite part of this but it really is alright."

"I could've at least warned you. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You'll warn me next time."

He smiled at me slyly. "Can I really count on a 'next time'?"

"You can."

He hummed happily and kissed me, then nuzzled my neck. "Now, what do you want, love? I'll do anything." 

"Oh my dear Julian," He hugged me tighter and pressed a lingering kiss to my shoulder. "I heard you've been wanting to fuck me. Is it still valid?"

He looked at me with absolute awe and rekindled desire, and tore his eyepatch away. "Give me ten minutes."

"Make it five."

His eyes darkened. He hoisted my night shirt over my head and threw it on the floor, a second later, pulling me into a sloppy, hungry kiss. His hands roamed greedily over my naked body, pressing our chests together, stroking and groping wherever he could reach. I pulled away and nibbled hard on his neck and ear, and it was enough to make his cock twitch against my thigh. It should take even less than five minutes.

Behind my back, Julian struggled to unclasp and take off his shoes.

“D’you need help?” I asked, smiling.

“No, no,” he mumbled against my lips. “Just kiss me.”

I did as he asked. I cupped his cheek and tangled my fingers in his hair, tugging on them and massaging his scalp, and gently kissed his upper lip, then bottom lip. I nibbled delicately on the first one, then second, then parted them with mine and brushed the inside verge of the bottom lip with just the tip of my tongue. Covering tenderly his mouth with mine, I moved my tongue along his teeth, slipped it underneath his upper lip and slid from one side to the other. Next, I pressed our mouths a little bit harder and glided our tongues together a few times, before I slid the tip of mine over his palate, kissed his lips one last time and moved away to see what I'd done to him.

Julian's mouth was open as I left it, and his eyes remained closed for a moment longer. When he opened them, they were hazy.

I brushed his hair with my fingers and smiled. "Shoes already off?"

"What?"

"Your shoes. You were supposed to take them off while I kissed you."

"Was I?"

"Julian," I got up from his lap, making sure to move my breasts just an inch from his face, and fell on the pillows with one hand behind my head and the other moving straight towards my sex. "just undress already."

He needed a second for my words to sink in but when they did, he took off his boots and trousers in record time. When he climbed on top of me, he was hard again, and I lost my patience. I spread my thighs for him.

"Just fuck me like you wanted to."

Julian smiled devilishly and, to my surprise, sat up, flipped me on my stomach and brought me up on my knees. I propped on the headboard, while he pressed his front flush against my back and positioned his thighs on each side of mine. His cock slipped between my buttocks and he rubbed it against them, making me shiver with anticipation.

"Is this alright?" he whispered to my ear, moving one hand between my legs and teasing my entrence with his fingers. "Do you trust me?"

"Till the dawn?" 

"Till the dawn." 

"Absolutely," I breathed and rolled my bottom against him, wanting him already. 

He pushed two fingers inside me, remembering what I asked of him yesterday. I whimpered and clenched around them. It wasn't enough. 

"More. Please…"

"Bend over a little bit, dear." 

With my whole body feeling extremely hot suddenly, I did as he told me and tried to relax inside. He placed one hand on my waist and the head of his cock against my entrance. And pushed. He gasped and I cried out at the new, strange, wonderful sensation. He felt enormous, stretching me, filling me up perfectly. But Julian remained still and I wanted more. 

"I don't want you to wait. Just take me, just fuck me, as hard as you want, please, please, please…"

Before I finished, Julian grabbed my waist with both hands, steading me, and pounded inside me. My breath hitched. He took me forcfully, shamelessly, like he didn't dare to the first time. Being completely at his mercy, I just gripped the headboard and let myself enjoy it. His cock pressed and slid right against the sensitive front of my channel. The feeling was so different from yesterday. It was rough and sharp, almost painful, but still so overwhelmingly delightful. I groaned and whimpered, my awarness reduced to Julian's cock thrusting inside me in a brutal pace, his hips slapping my buttocks loudly.

"Legs together," he uttered suddenly in a hoarse voice.

I complied and we moaned together, when I clenched even tighter around him. A moment later, I felt his hands move to my buttocks, slowly, as if tentatively, and spread them. I realised he was watching. He watched his thick cock slip in and out of me, enveloped tightly by my red, swollen lips, glistening with the evidence of my arousal. He could see me, all of me. He could see clearly how weak and desperate I was for him. I couldn't hide anything now. I felt ashamed but only for a second. He adored me. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I bent lower to give him a better view, relishing the feeling of being exposed.

He gasped and kneeded my buttocks. "You're beautiful. You're amazing." 

I smiled to myself. He made me feel so attractive, so good, so extraordinary. I felt set free by him. I couldn't believe we'd known each other for merely a few days.

The sensations were overwhelming. I was breathless, my arms hurt, my legs were trembling. I was dizzy with the raw sensuality of this position. I needed to end this tension. I needed to come. I brought one hand to my groin and pushed a finger between my squeezed thighs. I rubbed my aching clit, desperate for release. I whimpered and trembled, struggling to come, balancing on the edge but unable to fall.

Then, Julian changed the rhythm to a little bit slower, more thorough one. He massaged my waist and hips, and stroked my back. 

"Hush, darling. Relax. There's no hurry. Spread your legs a bit. Let me," he whispered soothingly and started to rub my clit intead of me.

I steadied my breathing, tried to relax and refocus on the pleasure. Julian's fingers covered my clit better than mine, and massaged it in sweet, firm circles. But I needed something more.

"Can we be closer?" I breathed weakly.

Without hesitantion, Julian shuffled us closer to the headboard, that we both straightened up, and wrapped his free arm around my chest, pressing me to him.

"Like this, love?" he made sure, kissing my neck and shoulder. 

"So much better." 

I raised my arm and took a handful of his hair. He moaned and cupped my breast, squeezing it gently. He kept fucking me but this time slowly, rocking our hot, sweaty bodies together, his cock sliding in and out of me smoothly, wetly, caressing me now, stroking my very core and sending delicious, tingling sensation throughout my whole body. Julian touching me, nuzzling and kissing my neck, and massaging my sex intensified the feeling and made my tension build up again. It grew until I was on the edge again and this time, without the struggle, I got pushed over it. My orgasm overtook me. I leaned on the headboard and all my muscles tensed. My mouth opened in a soundless scream and I hold my breath as waves of absolut pleasure washed over me.

When it passed, I took a deep breath, so good it seemed that it was my first true breath today. I straightened up and turned my head to capture Julian's lips in a short, sloppy kiss. Soon, he shut his eyes, wrapped his arms around me and after a few frantic thrusts, he came inside me, groaning into my neck. I gripped his arms and clenched my inner muscles, giving him more, loving every second of him enjoying my body.

With a heavy exhale, he finished, tipped us to the side and we collapsed on the bed. We straightened our legs with a relieved sigh. I turned around to face him. He was lying on his back, flushed, sweaty, breathing deeply with his eyes closed. His hair was a mess, loose, wet strands stuck to his forehead and cheeks.

He was beautiful.

I propped myself on my elbow and gently brushed the hair away from his face. He turned his head towards me, cracked an eye open and frowned worriedly. 

"I don't think I can go third time, darling." 

I snickered. "It's alright. I've had enough." 

"Oh thank god," he sighed with relief. 

"At least, for tonight, of course."

"Yes, of course. In the morning, we can do the same all over again. I guess I just need, and I'm surprised myself to admit this, I need some sleep."

"Come here then." I pulled him up on the pillows and, with a little bit of magic, pulled the blanket from underneath us and tucked us in.

He sighed with satisfaction. "Perfect. If only I wasn’t so thirsty…"

"Shall I bring you some water?"

"No, you don't have to, thank you, dear."

"It's no problem." I got up and reached for the cup on my nightstand, before I remembered. I shared a disgusted look with Julian. 

"Bad idea," we said simultaneously.

I jumped out of bed and headed to the kitchen. 

"[name], you really don't have to…" I heard him say behind me.

But it wasn't a problem. Frankly, I was quite awake.

I grabbed a tall glass from the kitchen and came back to Julian. He was sitting up, propped on the headboard. He shamelessly ogled my naked body as I approached the bed and sat next to him. Probably, if I wasn't holding the glass in front of my breasts, he wouldn't had even noticed it.

He cleared his throat. "Um, [name]? Not that I'm being demanding but it's empty."

I let out a short laugh. I closed my eyes and focused, like Asra taught me. I thought of cool, clean water on a hot afternoon, of chilly, morning dew, and warm, spring rain. The glass gradually grew heavier in my hands. When I opened my eyes, it was full. Julian stared at it, taken aback, then looked at me and smiled. 

"I'll never get used to it," he laughed.

"Don't worry, you will." I handed him the water.

He took it gratefully and downed half of it. "I don't want to." He gave the rest to me. "If I'm used to it, it'll mean that I no longer will be amazed by how talented you are. But I'm glad you think so. It gives me hope for more occasions to get used to." He winked at me but underneath his sassy manner, I sensed hopefulness and insecurity.

So, when I finished the water, I pushed him down on the pillows and laid down pressed to his side, with my head on his shoulder. "I hope so, too, Julian. I really do," I said sincerely, letting myself get carried away by the soft, warm feeling in my chest.

He hugged me tighter and turned his face to my hair, breathing me in.

Time passed and I felt myself drifting off to sleep, when suddenly I heard Julian's voice, not more than a whisper, which sounded kind of like 'I'm falling…'. Already dazed with sleep, I raised on my elbow. "What? Are you falling of the bed? I'm sorry! You should've told me, I'd give you more room."

He looked at me with wide eyes. "Um, yes, I was, um, yes, that's better. Thank you, darling. Don't worry. Go back to sleep."

He pulled me back to him and kissed the top of my head. I snuggled back to him and fell asleep moments later, unaware of what he really said, forgetting to ask him about Asra, and having no idea where the key was now. I had no dreams.

***

 

I woke up with the sun shining straight into my eyes. I turned around from it and found myself nose to nose with beaming Julian. 

"Good morning, sleepyhead."

"Hello. Still here? Somehow, I supposed you'd vanish before dawn."

"Disappointed?" 

"No."

He smiled beautifully and embraced me, pressing our foreheads together. "I admit, before I came here, I did plan to leave before you'd wake up. I wondered if… Because, you know, I kind of feel I can trust you. You had already two occasions to expose me and have me captured but didn't use them. But even though, I wondered if it's not a trap. To lure me here, distract me and then, at the crack of dawn, to have half the army burst in here and catch me with my pants down - it would be an ingenious plan."

"I don't know if to laugh, feel offended or proud," I mumbled. 

"No, no, I don't mean to offend you." He squeezed me and kissed my cheek and neck. "It's just a paranoia of a tortured soul. Like I said, I feel I can trust you. You're… good. So good to me that I…" he hesitated and sighed. 

"What?" I felt his pulse quicken suddenly. Why? What was he talking about? 

He shook his head with a smile. "Nothing, really. But you see, despite the conspiracy theories poisoning my mind, I stayed because I thought to myself that whether I'm destined to hang or not, I might as well steal some more time and enjoy the feeling of you asleep in my arms. Then, they can kill me even on spot. At least, I'll die happy."

I frowned. Something clenched in my chest and I felt tears prickle my eyes. I realised it was fear. I was afraid for him. I didn't want to lose him.

However, I knew I shouldn’t feel like this. I shouldn’t be with him at all. I tried to push these feelings away and collect myself. "Don't talk like that. Arresting you is not in my interest. I just want to discover the truth."

"That's good, my dear. Just remember that you may not like it."

"We'll see."

He chuckled lightly and brushed my hair with his fingers. "Oh my dear, sweet [name]. You're so innocent. You see good in everybody, don't you? But be careful with this. One time you may be wrong and you'll have your golden heart broken."

I bristled. He was patronising me and I hated it. "By you?" I asked, trying not to sound maliciously.

He looked away sadly. "Maybe."

"Then I shouldn’t have let you close to me."

"Maybe." 

"Or given you the key."

"Maybe." 

Annoyed by his selfish, sour, pompous behaviour, I spoke before I let myself think it through. "Is it how you used to use it? To pay Asra visits?" 

His eyes went wide and face turned almost as red as his hair. "Excuse me?" 

"You heard me."

"Wha- What do you mean?"

"Judging from your face, I mean exactly what I think I mean and it's not just my vivid imagination." 

"Oh god," he groaned and turned on his back, rubbing his face with his hands. "I knew it'd haunt me."

I sat up and stared at him. "So?"

"So? Well… Well, eh… yes. I used it like you said."

"You slept together." It wasn't a question. 

Julian barked a laughter and finally looked at me, still nervously combing his hair with his fingers. "I wouldn't call that  _ sleeping _ ."

This hint made me think. From what I learned lately, Julian was somewhat insecure, but pliant and so eager to please, while Asra was strong-willed and kind of a manipulator. I added Julian's pain kink and Asra’s ruthlessness to the equation and got quite a clear picture. "I can imagine." 

Julian lifted his head, shocked and ashamed. "Can you?" he groaned, then slumped back on the pillow. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“Whatever you think about me now.”

I looked away. What I thought…? I was embarrassed to admit this even to myself but I was… jealous. Jealous and frustrated. Did Asra really have to pave the way for me in everything? Did he have to have Julian before me? Couldn’t I have even him just for myself?

I bit my tongue. I would never say all of this out loud. “Nothing,” I said instead. “It wasn’t a crime, I guess.”

“But neither something to be proud of.”

Feeling hopeful, though scared, though I knew I shouldn’t get deeper into it, I laid down with my arms crossed on his chest and my chin propped on them, and looked up at him. “Were you two in love?” I took the risk and asked to find out if there was anything left for me that Asra hadn’t devoured.

He laughed mirthlessly and blushed again. I felt his pulse jump underneath me. He shook his head as if to get rid of the idea. “No, we were not.” He looked at me meaningfully, stroked my bare back and brushed my hair from my forehead. “It was nothing like love.”

Warmth of relief spread in my chest and heat of confusion on my face. I sat up, suddenly feeling that we were too close and that the conversation took a dangerous turn. “I should get back to the palace,” I mumbled, getting up.

“Oh no, please!” He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me back on the bed. “Don’t go. Not yet. I’m feeling so good with you.”

“But I have work to do,” I smiled despite my mixed feelings. I couldn’t help but melt in his embrace.

“Yeah? And what could it be?” he teased, his voice muffled from nuzzling my neck.

“Catching you.”

“But you’ve already caught me.” He flipped me on top of him and lied on his back, putting his arms over his head in surrender. “You’ve already got me,” he breathed, his gaze soft, sincere.

My chest clenched strangely. It was painful and pleasant, and worrying and satisfying at the same time. I was even more confused. I sat up, straddling him, and looked at his beautiful, innocent face. He was seducing me again, it was obvious, and I had no idea what to do with this. I didn’t know what I really wanted or what was right or wrong. One thing, however, I knew for sure – I was so terribly scared for him.

“I don’t want to catch you,” I whispered, avoiding his gaze.

He frowned. After a tense, silent moment, he sat up with a dead-serious face, cupped my nape with the large hand of his and brought my face to his for a hard kiss.

My heart skipped a beat and my blood boiled. To my annoyance, my sex contracted instinctively, sending a shiver like a lightening through my nerves, and immediately started to get wet. I hated it. I hated him. I hated what he was doing to me and how my body reacted to him. I hated that he was able to make me feel so vulnerable, so hungry and weak for him. And I hated myself for kissing him back as if it were our last kiss; for wrapping my arms around his neck, tangling my fingers in his hair, and squeezing his hips with my thighs as if he would be taken and hanged right then and there if I didn’t do this.

“It’s amazing,” he mumbled against my lips, between the heated kisses. “I can’t believe it. It’s been only a few days. But still… And still… I feel… Like I’ve lo- known you since always. You’re so… Incredible.” Without a warning, he flipped me on my back, pinning me to the bed.

A pathetic moan escaped my throat when I felt his hardening cock press to the crease between my thigh and groin, and it only turned him on more. He rubbed himself against me and groped my breast with one hand, while the other still held my head in place. He fucked my open mouth with his tongue, and I literally felt myself loosen up for him.

It was insane. We had sex barely a few hours ago, and even though, I again felt as if I were on fire. My cheeks burned, my whole skin tingled, and my core was clenching with anticipation. This made me break. I groaned and moved my legs impatiently. I clawed his back and rolled my hips, making him let out a long moan. He broke the kiss and looked at me, eyes dark with lust. Then, the bastard had the nerve to smirk but knew better than to give me time to react, and entered me with one swift move.

I cried out and threw my head back. Julian gave me a few slow thrusts to let me adjust before he started to pound into me like a man starved. I sank my nails into his arms, holding on for dear life, and let my thighs fall apart. I was helpless beneath him. All I could do was submit and give him everything he demanded from me. And damn, did I love every second of it.

He gripped the headboard and wrapped an arm around my waist, holding my hips still when he fucked me with such ferocity as if he didn’t come twice last night but abstained for years. The bed squeaked and the headboard banged the wall with his every thrust. He panted into my neck like an animal while I just moaned pathetically, forgetting myself in his passion. Then, he suddenly tensed, pressed me so close I was breathless for a second, thrusted into me hard, almost painfully three, four times, making me scream with each one, and collapsed on top of me, panting.

A few moments later, he slipped from me and searched my face with a miserable frown. I'd no idea what he read from it. "I'm so sorry!" he gasped, still out of breath.

I stared at him, incredulous, then burst out laughing. "You've just given me one of the best fucks in my whole life and you apologise? Please, do tell me what for."

"One of the best?" he blurted out. "But, but… I didn't ask, didn't wait, I wasn’t thinking. I could've hurt you. I acted so  _ selfishly _ , so, so… It was unacceptable!"

"Oh Julian…" I propped myself on my elbow and turned his face towards me. "First of all, I'm not made of glass. Besides, do you really think I would let you hurt me like this?" 

He frowned, confused now. "Well, no."

"Good. Because I wouldn't. The moment you force yourself on me when I don't feel like it, I turn you into a frog."

He swallowed hard. "Seriously?"

I smiled wickedly. "Wanna find out?"

He shook his head energetically. "No! I would never  _ ever  _ force myself on you."

"I know." I kissed his forehead. "You're a dear. So don't apologise for your pleasure."

He smiled shily. "I'll try."

Satisfied, I got up from bed before he could had caught me. "Now I really should get back to the palace."

"So early?" He stood up reluctantly and stretched.

"Early? It's almost noon and I shouldn't have left in the first place. Again." I browsed my wardrobe pensively. 

"Then let me buy you breakfast at least." 

"I should have had  _ second  _ breakfast with the Countess an hour ago. No, sorry, I really have to go."

"How about a bath?" he insisted, hugging me from behind and pressing his face in my hair.

I sighed. I really would love to bathe with him but I didn't have time. Besides, the bath here was rather small. Maybe some other time, somewhere else. 

A thought that there may be no other time stang me right in the heart but I pushed it away. Instead, I focused on a spell.

"Oh god fucking damn it!" Julian exclaimed in shock, and jumped away from me. "What the hell was that?"

I laughed and covered my mouth with my hand. "I'm sorry, I should've warned you. It was a cleaning spell."

"God, you mean  _ antiseptic _ spell! Damn, my skin is tingling!"

"I know, it's a bit unpleasant. Sorry." 

"You know, you don't have time for a bath but that doesn't mean I don't." 

"Oh I know. I'm sorry." I stepped on the bed to be his hight, and kissed him softly on the lips. "Sorry."

He groaned and hugged me. "It's not fair. You know I can’t resist you."

“I know. Poor thing. Now let’s go.”

He whined and pouted but dressed up with me. We were leaving my room when suddenly, he swept me up and carried all the way downstairs.

“Julian!” I squeaked and laughed. “What are you doing? Put me down!”

“Nah, I think I’ll just take you with me,” he grinned at me and tilted me that I hanged head down in his arms, making me let out a high-pitched scream.

“Put me down, please! I really have to…”

“Go, I know. Oh, alright.” He did as I asked. Then, he held me for a second longer but I stepped away. I walked behind the counter and went through the shelves, grabbing this and that, a book or two and stuffing them in my bag. Julian observed me. “What are those for?”

“Alibi.”

He laughed. “Right, I see.”

I stood in front of him, knowing it was time to say goodbye. Somehow, I was lost for words. It was awkward. “I think… um… It’ll be better if you go through the backroom this time, too, don’t you think?”

He smiled lightly. “Yes, sure. And what?” He stared at the floor and put his hands in his pockets. “You’ll lock the door behind me, right?”

I felt my face burn. “Well, yes. I have to. Lock the shop, of course. It’s not… I didn’t mean that I want to… lock you out.”

“Oh, yes, sure. Don't worry, that’s alright. You see…” He raised his gaze at me, suddenly playful. “…luckily, I’ve got the key.” He took his hand out of the pocket and presented the key to the backdoor to me.

My mouth fell open. “How did you…! When? How?” I reached out and tried to snatch it out from him but he raised it above his head and grabbed my wrist.

“Ah-ah! I have my tricks, too, darling. And I’ll lock the door myself, thank you very much.” He pulled me to him and kissed me the way my knees went soft. “When will I see you again?” he whispered, looking at me softly with his uncovered eye.

“I don’t know. I guess the next time we run into each other.”

He smiled sadly. “Alright. I guess it’ll do.”

“Just be careful, okay?”

“Oh, my dear [name]! ‘Careful’ is my middle…”

“Please, Julian." I took his face in my hands and gave him a serious look. "For me?”

“For you? Anything," he agreed quietly. "I'll be careful, you have my word.” He took my hands and pressed a lingering kiss to them. “I’ll see you later then, my darling.”

Again, I had to be the first to pull away. “Goodbye.” I backed to the door, holding his longing gaze, but at last, I had to turn away and unlock the door. I cast one last glance at Julian, before I bit my lip and made myself leave the shop. I locked the door with determination I wish I had when it came to my feelings for Julian.

I headed to the palace, slowly, with my head high, but soon, I sped up, more and more, until I was running. I ran faster and faster, as if I was chased by the devil himself. I ran, panted, tears blurring my view and streaming down my hot cheeks. I ran until my legs and back were killing me; until my lungs burnt, and then, I ran some more, whimpering with ragged breath. I ran all the way to the palace – anything to contain the sharp, contradictory emotions seething inside me. The lust, the fear, the jealousy, the anger mixed and clashed within me. I was excited and so happy I could sing. I was confused, so scared and furious it made me want to scream. I was terrified of losing him, and even more of falling in love with him. My head was empty. My stomach was twisting. My heart was torn in half.

Oh dear god… Yesterday, at dawn, I was sure I was already in too deep but  _ now _ … What was I supposed to do  _ now _ ?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear friends, please remember that this is fiction - it's idealised. Don't get unrealistic ideas about sex from fanfictions (like I did when I was younger).  
> It's ok not to reach orgasm and still have loads of fun from it.  
> And it's NOT ok to feel pain during sex. If you experience anything odd and unpleasant, consult your doctor. Like, a qualified one. Like, with a license. Not Julian. I don't say his not qualified. I just don't think this is his field of expertise.  
> I love you. Be safe ❤


	4. Running away

For the last few days, I almost didn’t leave the library. Nadia was down with her headaches for most of the time, and Portia had her work to do, so I was alone and nobody bothered me. But I would lie if I said I was working, too. I tried, I really did, but I couldn't focus. This place – his office, _Julian’s_ office, and the little things nobody else would pay attention to spurred my memory. There was a coffee stain on a piece of paper, an ink impression of the side of his hand on another, a ginger hair between some pages… It made me almost smell him around me; made me remember his touch so clearly as if he was right there beside me.

Oh, and I felt so bad going through his personal things: his books, scribbles, drawings and even letters. I felt so guilty but I guess I had no choice, and it terrified me. I was to solve the case. I _wanted_ to solve it, regardless of the outcome. Oh, if only I didn’t meet Julian… If only I didn’t have these maddening, utterly inappropriate feelings for him, it would be so much easier for me. But I did, and it was a torture. Every time I examined another part of his desk, another tired book or a piece of paper, I had to pause and fight the fear back. What if I were about to find a proof of his guilt in here? Or in here, or in there? What if this messy drawing was, say, a map of a secret passage to the Count's bedroom? What if in this old tome there was a letter from an accomplice confirming the escape plan? Or anything along those lines pointing straight at Julian? My hands were shaking and my vision was blurred with tears almost all the time. What would I do I found a proof? Frankly, all I wanted to do was to set it on fire but this was not what Julian would want. He wanted to know the truth about his past and who was I to deny him this? Even if it meant sending him straight on the gallows…

But I had a hope, too. Because maybe I would find something proving his innocence. Or at least, proving someone else’s guilt.

And this was how I tried to do my work – with an exhausting mixture of fear and hope.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a such a proof, and it was driving me crazy. I sighed heavily and slumped into the chair, propping my elbows on the desk and hiding my face in my hands. Oh god, what a mess had I gotten myself into. I wanted this madness to end already. I wanted Julian to be safe, even if it would be without me. I just wished he was innocent. And I wished also that I wasn’t falling for him so hard because this nightmare would never end unless I finish it, and in my state, I wasn’t doing much progress. Plus, any other meeting, smile or, god have mercy, kiss or night with him would only shutter my already feeble composure and undermine even more my loyalty to Nadia and the case. I tugged on my hair and groaned. Oh, Julian Devorak, you’ll be the death of me. You’ll be the death of both of us!

But, luckily, none of my fears came true, too. So far at least. There were notes in the books on the margins, whole pages of texts and single sheets of paper with a few sentences or words but none of those seemed suspicious to me. And even if something was important, I wouldn’t know because I could hardly read his handwriting. Sometimes, I wasn’t even sure if it was our alphabet.

There were also drawings. Most of them presented human body parts and, I suppose (considering the sketch of human brain Julian identified for me), internal organs. Those were terrifying and it was hard for me to refocus after finding each one. They made me imagine how Julian got to see all of this in such a detail. What’s more, they made me doubt his… what? Purity? Goodness? Maybe even innocence. It only intensified my confusion and fear, and anger with Julian and myself for growing so close so irresponsibly.

But there were also drawings that warmed my heart. There were scribbles of such things as a burning candle, a steaming cup or a bird on a window sill… or people. The portraits were quick and simple but I recognised Nadia with her jewellery and elegant dresses, and Asra with his messy hair and scarf. There were lots of sketches of him: Asra looking out the window, napping under a tree, reading a book or with Faust wrapped around his shoulders. It made my cheeks burn with jealousy. I pushed those drawings away but I was too irritated to be careful, and I ended up pushing a whole pile of books from the desk. I cursed and got on my knees to pick them up. One of them must had hit the floor with the edge of its cover, and broke. I groaned, even more irritated. I picked it up gently. What a shame… There was no title on the cover but it was in a beautiful shade of my favourite colour, though a little faded. I was closing it when I noticed that the paper on the inside of the cover peeled back in the place where it broke and that there was another layer hidden behind it. I hoped I was about to finally find something valuable and I removed it with ease – the thick layer of glue underneath it dried and crumbled. It looked as if it was stuck to the cover and peeled off over and over again. There, I discovered another sketch and it made my pulse jump. It was much more thorough than the other ones. It was detailed and carefully done. The lines were clear, precise, soft. It was so good that for a second I thought I looked into a mirror.

Suddenly, a sharp pain exploded inside my head, making me drop my portrait and press my hands to my temples. After a minute, it passed, leaving me shaken. I breathed heavily and wiped away the tears that ran down my face. I thought… I thought that I almost, just for a second, remembered the day when he drew this for me. But it was gone now and I didn’t dare try to recall it.

I was shocked. Julian was right. _We_ were right – we did know each other before. And he drew me, so we must had been close. Were we friends? Were we… lovers like we are now? And why the hell did we forget it?

My hands curled into fists. God damn it, Asra! Next time I see you, you answer all of my questions. No excuses, no lies. I’m sick of it!

I took a few deep breaths to stop my hands from shaking. I was exhausted and the sun was setting anyway, so I rolled the portrait up carefully, hid it on the bottom of my bag, and cleaned up the mess I’d made. I left the library and went straight to my room, to bed.

And this was how each of the days passed, and if they seemed horrible, the nights were even worse.

I spent hours trying to fall asleep. Then, I would have those dreams, half-memories, half-fantasies. So real but still just dreams. About Julian… In them, I would almost feel his weight on top of me and his skin under my fingers. I would open my mouth for him to kiss me and spread my thighs for him to fit between them. I would squirm and moan softly, desperate for him, desperate to really feel anything, just anything. And then, I would wake up gripping the sheets, panting and hot. My sex would be wet and pulsing with need, driving me crazy. And like this – frustrated and miserable, I would start each new, beautiful day. Each one bringing us mercilessly closer to the Masquerade and Julian's execution, but bringing me not a tiny bit closer to solving this case. There was still _something_ in the desk, I knew it, I just had ran out of ideas how to find it. And so today, I just sat in the library, in his chair, at his desk, napping after another cruel night.

A furious shout from outside woke me up. It sounded like words but the voice wasn’t human. Was it a bird? A parrot? I stretched and got up from the chair, curious and grateful for a distraction. I exited the palace and followed the noises. I think I heard Portia, too. I walked through a part of the garden I didn’t know yet until I reached a clearing with a lovely hut in the middle of it. In the front of it, there was Portia and a cat fighting a big, white parrot. Then, on Portia’s cue, the cat pounced on the bird, scaring it away.

“Good job, Pepi! You showed him!” she praised the cat and went with her inside before she noticed me.

I didn’t want to disturb her nor, frankly, talk to her about what had been going on, so I just continued to explore further parts of the palace grounds. After some time, I found myself surrounded by strange, grey trees. I frowned. They seemed… dead. But why? I went deeper between them until I discovered a brook. At first, I almost didn’t notice it. I just glanced at it with the corner of my eye. But its colour caught my attention – it was red. My stomach twisted with fear. It wasn’t normal. It couldn’t be good, especially because it ran _from_ the palace and had already killed the trees around it. I wandered where it ran _to_ then. I followed it with growing unease. I started to suspect where it went, even though, when I got to an aqueduct providing the city with fresh water and saw it join it, a shiver of disgust ran through me and my cheeks burnt with outrage. The palace was poisoning the city!

Out of nowhere, a big black bird flew right at me, scaring the living daylights out of me. Instinctively, I ducked. It hit my head with its wing and with an infernal screech, it flew away. I looked after it. Was it a raven? Was it possible that it was the one watching out for guards? No, unlikely. It couldn’t be the only raven in the city. I shook my head, feeling tired and overwhelmed once again. I sighed. And it was supposed to be a nice, relaxing walk… Nevertheless, I followed the red stream down into the city, not sure why. I guess I just wanted to have my bloody walk. I also tried to relax, but failed. My thoughts ran to Julian, so I thought I might think of something constructive instead of wasting my time and nerves on daydreaming.

I had been having this idea on my mind for a while now. I’d been considering my task and my feelings for Julian, and it was obvious that these two did not go hand in hand. If I worked on the case, my relation with Julian suffered. But if I was spending time with Julian, and definitely _not_ in the way I should be spending time with the suspect, the investigation grew difficult. I couldn’t carry on like that. I should focus on one thing at the time and it was clear on which one first, though it made my heart ache.

"[name]?" I heard a familiar voice interrupt my deep thought, making my body react before my head: my cheeks burnt and heart sped up. I looked around and saw Julian himself walk out from the shadows, his plague mask in his hand. By reflex, I wanted to run straight into his arms but on the second thought, I was glad there was the water between us and I couldn't. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. It was high time I set a distance between us if I want to see this case through, especially if he’s in fact guilty. And now I had an occasion.

"Is this your understanding of 'being careful'?" I asked, almost flinching on my harsh tone.

Julian laughed sadly. "What a cold greeting…" he sighed. "I was careful, dear, like I promised. Just now I… I needed to think. Don't worry, there's no one around."

"I am."

"That's actually a good thing."

"I mean if I got here, anyone could," I explained with a note of irritation in my voice. I just wasn’t exactly sure why I was irritated – because he was wandering carelessly despite his promise or because it was already hard not to care for him and he wasn’t making it any easier for me.

He brushed it off with a wave of the mask. "I've never seen anyone here before. Don't worry so much about me, darling."

A wave of sadness washed over me, mingling with the irritation and anger. How could I not worry about him? Someone had to! Even he wasn’t worried about himself!

He sighed heavily and stared into the mask's red eyes. "Don't worry, there's _nothing_ to worry about. I've got _nothing_. No past, no future, no purpose. Now, I realised, not even a career. This" He outstretched his arm with the mask over the edge of the bridge. "is nothing but a sad memory of my failures. There's no point to keep it." He threw it into the pool, splashing the water around.

"Move away!" I gasped.

"What? Why?"

"The water is poisoned. I saw it."

"Oh, I know. It's nothing, again. It won't hurt me or anyone." He looked at me with wonder and an unsure smile on his lips. "You really are worried about me, aren't you?"

My faced burnt. I clenched my fists. Yes. _Yes_ , I was! I was worried sick about him and I shouldn’t be. I decided I couldn’t be, and it was driving me mad, because this dumbass just would not take care of himself!

Before I came up with any kind of answer, the raven flew over our heads, screeching.

"The guards?"

"It looks like tonight we run, too, darling," he laughed and darted towards the city, and I did the same a second later. God damn it! I wasn’t done with my walk!

"You said there was no one around!" I snapped at Julian.

"Tonight, I haven’t promised you could trust me yet!" he countered.

I groaned angrily because he was right. I should had been smarter. I should had been more careful. I should had stuck to my decision!

He got first to the end of the aqueduct, jumped off on the street and turned to me, outstretching his hand to help me. Unfortunately, this time too, when choosing my clothes, I didn't predict I would be running as if it was me wanted for murder. My lovely long skirt tangled between my legs and I had to pay too much attention not to lose my beautiful, fine ballerinas. This couldn't end up well and it didn't. I lost balance, slipped and fell backwards to the pool below, thinking: "I should give myself a reading every morning before dressing up."

I guess I heard Julian call my name before the noise of the water deafened me. The coldness shocked me, made me gasp. I panicked. _I_ _can’t swim!_ I beat my arms and legs frantically, desperate to reach the surface, but I didn't seem to get any closer.

I almost didn't feel a cold, sleek brush against my back. Shame. It was the only warning I got before a sharp pain stung my abdomen. I screamed, losing the rest of air and composure. I thrashed, struggling to get the hellish creature off of me, and swim up at the same time. The only thing I almost managed, was to wrest my arm from Julian's grip. Luckily, I failed at everything.

Julian pulled me out of the water and into the shadow of the aqueduct. "That damned eel!" he cursed under his breath just before he snatched it away from me and threw it back into the reservoir. The pain of it made me scream weakly between coughing out water and fighting for breath. "I'm sorry, so sorry, [name]. It's gone now. Come on. We have to run. I'm sorry," he talked to me, helping me up.

I clung to him, not able to move by myself. I barely heard him. I just trembled and stared at my blood soaking through my clothes and dripping on the ground, mesmerised and terrified. And so much weaker with every passing second.

"Oh, darling. Hold on," he breathed, sounding worried like never before. He picked me up like a doll and ran through the shadows.

I was too dizzy to care where he was going. I barely noticed that my feet didn't touch the ground anymore. All I felt was cold. I was so, so cold.

Suddenly, there was a hard surface underneath me and something warm behind my back and head.

"Let me see it," I heard Julian's voice, muffled, as if coming from very far away, and I saw his blurred face above me. Something was pounding quick and loud just beside my ear. Later, I realised it was his heart. Then, his hand was on my skin, on the wound, pressing unpleasantly hard. I wanted to squirm away, to push his hand off of me, but my body wouldn’t listen to me. I only closed my eyes from the effort and it felt like being underwater again – cold, dark, not knowing where is up or down. I wanted to escape but I couldn't. I was floating. Actually, it was kind of pleasant.

"Fuck! It won't stop bleeding... [name]? [name]! No, no, no! Open your eyes! Look at me! Look at me! Please, don’t fall asleep! Please, please! [name]?! God damn it!"

I guess he touched my face but I didn't care. I think he shook me but I might had dreamt that. I was so tired, so light, so, so cold… I was far, far away. It was quite nice. So peaceful. So quiet.

But then, the dull pain in my belly sharpened for just a second, reviving me. I took in a sharp breath and opened my eyes wide in shock.

"Yes! [name], stay with me. Hold on, please, [name], darling, please. It'll take only a minute. You'll be fine, I promise, I promise… I'm sorry, so, so sorry. Please, stay with me," Julian was raving into my ear, cradling me to his chest and pressing his bare hand to the bite.

Suddenly, I felt good. Yes, I was cold and soaked in water and blood, but now the pain was gone and I was also so… alive. So strong and conscious. I sighed and smiled, and even chuckled from the relief.

"Oh thank god…" he sighed heavily and pressed me close to him. "How do you feel? Does anything hurt? Is anything else wrong?"

I just shook my head. "How did you…?" I started to wonder as my brain turned back on. Julian had just performed a powerful spell, so how come I hadn't felt even a trace of magic in him earlier? But before I finished my question, a blue glow caught my eye. I sat up and observed the symbol on his throat. I traced my fingers over the thin, glowing lines on his cool skin, wondering where had I seen them before, when suddenly Julian winced in pain and clenched his lips, muffling a groan.

"What happened? What's wrong?" I asked, worried, and moved to kneel in front of him.

He laughed mirthlessly. "Don't you recognise Asra's work?"

"He gave this to you? But why?"

"Who knows. He's always been a mean witch." He groaned and pressed his hand to his abdomen. Only then did I notice fresh blood.

"Oh my god! What's going on?" I hurried to undo his jacket and move away his white shirt, now soaked in blood, to reveal a heavily bleeding bite. "Oh my god, Julian!" I gasped and pressed my hand to it as I vaguely remembered he did to mine.

But he just smiled at me. "No need to worry, my dear. It'll be gone soon." He gently moved my hand away and buttoned the jacket back up. "As you probably already understand, I can heal a wound by taking it on myself. Plus, I heal damn quick, so it's just a temporary inconvenience."

"Inconvenience?! But…" I wanted to protest because he was bleeding out, for god's sake! But then, we heard the guards approach our hiding spot.

At once, we jumped to our feet, and Julian pulled me into a narrow, dark alley. He pressed me to the wall with all his body, hiding us in the shadow. He was so close I could see his pale face twisted in pain, despite the darkness. Such a situation quite literally thwarted my plans of ‘setting a distance’ but I decided to restore it later, when Julian would be fine again. So, I stroked his cheeks comfortingly. He looked at me and gave me a weak but brave smile, and when the guards passed, he took my hand and led us deeper into the city. A moment later, a sound of two pairs of heavy boots just behind the corner made us break into a run and take a sharp turn into another alley. We rushed through the shadows, Julian once again much faster than me, even though it was him who was injured. I grabbed my skirt and picked it up over my knees. I gripped Julian's hand and struggled to keep up with him when I noticed a neglected gate covered with ivy hidden between two old, collapsing buildings. Was it a good hiding place? Who knew? But everything was better than being dragged behind Julian. So, in the very last moment, I pulled him towards the gate. He noticed where I was heading and followed me. We reached the gate, he boosted me up like before, and I landed on the other side rather gracelessly. Julian followed shortly after me and pulled us deeper in, away from the view.

We caught our breaths and looked at each other, breaking into a smile.

"Damn, I hate this," I panted. "I hate to run away all the time. I have to prove you innocent, so we can have a nice, slow walk."

Julian laughed – with amusement, for the first time tonight. "But why? You're getting so good at it. Look what a beautiful hideaway you found for us. I'm really impressed." He pulled me towards him without a warning, making me walk into him and hit him right in the bite. "Ay!"

"I'm sorry! It was an accident."

"That's okay. My bad."

"Let me see it."

"It's probably almost gone. Don't worry."

I started to unbutton his jacket nevertheless. I wanted to see it for myself.

"Seriously, it's fine. I'm fine."

"Since when are you opposed to me undressing you?" I mused.

Julian snickered. "Good point. Since never. Go on." He straightened up and dropped his arms to his sides obediently.

I bit my lip, stopping a smile. I was _not_ flirting with him. I was just worried he’d die. With my mind made up, I opened his shirt and focused _solely and exclusively_ on the wound.

It was incredible... It really was mostly gone. I wiped the blood away to see it better, but there were only thin, pale scars left. I let myself press it lightly to see if it was still bleeding but it wasn't. I only managed to draw a surprised moan from Julian. I looked up at his suddenly flushed face. "You really like this," I breathed in wonder and, though I perfectly knew I shouldn’t, pressed the place once again, a little bit harder, making him really moan this time. I bit my lip again and stepped away from him. I was getting too excited by this and I was going to set a distance, wasn’t I? Yes, I was. Yes, I was. Yes, I was.

Julian gave me a dark look and chuckled quietly. "Ohh, you little tease," he purred, making me swallow hard. He stepped towards me, grasped the back of my neck and gave me a hard, frustrated kiss. "You should know better than treat me like this after such a long break. I might get out of hand."

"And… we wouldn't want that?" I flirted back before I bit my tongue, once again failing to stick to my resolution. What the hell was going on with me?

In answer, he only grinned the way my knees went soft, and kissed me again in an unhurried, firm, absolutely obscene manner. Then, _he_ stepped back, leaving me breathless and burning.

I sighed in resignation. "Alright. I guess we're even."

He chuckled but softly this time, and wrapped his arms around me, kissing the top of my head. “I’m sorry. I just missed you so _fucking_ much. You couldn’t get out of there, could you?”

My heart sank. Staying away from him when he was so close and warm and sweet was so much harder than I imagined. It was almost impossible now when he was the reason I was still alive. “No, not really…”

“And the moment you can, you have such an unpleasant adventure. I’m so sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“I should’ve kept you close to me. I should’ve held your hand. I should’ve never let you fall.”

“You can’t predict everything. Or save me from every scratch.”

“It wasn’t a scratch, darling. I’ve seen people die from a vampire eel’s bite. I was so scared I’d lose you. For a moment, I thought you’d never open your eyes again, and I…” He paused and swallowed hard. He took a deep, shuddering breath before he spoke again. “Are you alright now? Does it still hurt?”

I just shook my head. My throat clenched from the tears. I hugged him harder, relieved he couldn’t see my face, and he hugged me back. “Thank you,” I breathed.

“Pardon?” He moved away to hear me better and saw my face. He cupped my cheeks and leaned down to look me in the eyes. “[name], my darling, why are you crying? What did I do? I’m so sorry! Please don’t cry.”

“Thank you,” I uttered a bit louder. “You saved my life. I was dying and you brought me back. How will I ever repay you?”

He blushed up to the very tips of his ears. He cleared his throat and shook his head. “It- ekhm, it’s nothing. It was nothing. Don’t mention it.”

“You saved my life, Julian,” I repeated slowly to let the words sink in both of us. “I’m alive and it’s only thanks to you. It’s not nothing.”

He shook his head again as if opposed to the very idea he did something good. “I put you in danger in the first place.”

“That’s not true. It doesn’t matter. You saved my life,” I repeated, embracing him. “Thank you.”

He kept shaking his head, so I, breaking my resolution, took his face in my hands and kissed him with all my gratitude, with all the strength I had thanks to him. I kissed him over and over again, feeling hot tears running down my burning cheeks. If he wouldn’t listen to me, then I wanted to show him, to make him feel how much he’d done to me. I kissed him until both of us were panting, and then I kissed him more, driven by a persistent, stupid thought that, since he saved it, my life belonged to him.

As if reading my mind, he moved an inch away, touching my face, brushing my lips with his thumbs. “[name], stop, please, stop, don’t…” He shook his head again and pressed a longing kiss to my forehead. “Please, don’t, sweetheart. It was nothing, really. It was… obvious to do.” He gave me a sad smile, then wrapped an arm around my shoulders and led us back to the gate. "Let's go. It's getting late. I know a place where we can stay for the night."

I let him finish the subject because I didn’t know what else I could do to make him understand or make myself comprehend and contain the emotions raging in my heart. It was getting out of hand. I was so much more lost than I was for the last few days. Everything was just wrong and only getting worse day by day.

Julian led us carefully through narrow alleys behind the houses until he stopped by a small, humble one. Through an open window, we could see a warm, amber light of a fireplace. We stepped over a short fence, scaring some chickens away.

"I'll go in first and then help you, alright?" he said, already climbing on the sill.

I gaped at him. "Are you serious? We're going in through a window?"

"Yeah, that’s okay. It's a friend's house." He jumped on the floor and outstretched a hand towards me. "Now you. Come on, don't be scared."

I gave him a sour look. I wasn’t _scared_. It was just that entering through windows to strangers’ houses wasn't exactly my thing. It was Julian's. Damn, the nerve of his. He was corrupting me. He was a bad, bad influence. What would Asra say…

Nevertheless, I took his hand and climbed on the sill.

"Watch your head, dear." He held me when I stepped in and jumped off. When I was already inside, he kissed my cheek. "Thank you."

"What for?"

"You trusted me."

I frowned and looked around. "I haven’t decided yet if it was a good idea."

He chuckled. "Oh [name], I thought you were bolder."

"I thought I was smarter," I countered and pushed him away lightly.

He laughed and put his hand on my waist, pressing me affectionately to his side. "Mazelinka?" he called out. "It's me. I'm sorry to come like this again but we had company. Mazelinka? Oh, she's out. But I think she'll be back soon."

"Won't she be angry?"

"Only with me. She hates it when I come in through the window."

"Why don't you use the door then?"

"I bump my forehead on the doorframe every time."

"And… when you go through the window, you're okay?"

"Somehow yes." He grinned at me, proud of the twisted logic.

I couldn't help but snicker. "You're so silly sometimes."

"Anything to make you smile." He hugged me and kissed my cheek again. And again, and again, until he reached my lips.

I was only half-surprised with how hungry I was for another one. I didn’t even fight it this time. The moment his lips touched mine, I opened up and let him inside. We moaned softly together, as if relieved we were touching again; as if it had been ages from the last time. Julian held me closer, making me stand on my tiptoes. I just couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t resist him.

"Your clothes are wet," he whispered between kisses. "Aren't you cold?"

I shook my head shortly and wrapped my arms around his neck, forgetting my decision and just letting myself go.

"Are you sure…?" He slid his hands slowly down my sides to the hem of my shirt and slipped his thumbs underneath it to tease my skin. "Are you sure you don't want to take them off?"

I smiled against his lips. "And your clothes are covered with blood," I pointed out.

"Oh, I'll take them off, too, don’t you worry," he assured me eagerly.

“I’ll hold you to that.”

We melted in another passionate kiss, when suddenly, the door creaked and opened.

"Ilya! You naughty boy! What are you doing to this poor girl! In _my_ house! Outrageous! You have no shame!" A small, elderly lady approached us in a few, quick steps and slapped Julian away from me with a, um… a wooden spoon.

"Ay! Mazelinka, please… Auch! It's not like this! Please, stop..."

"And why are you two covered in blood? What kind of a mess have you gotten yourself into again and why did you drag this girl with you? Speak now!"

"There's no mess, I swear. And this is [name], my good, close friend."

"Mhm, I've seen how 'close'." She threatened him with the spoon. Julian stepped back, blushing furiously. Then, Mazelinka turned to me. "Oh [name], you poor thing, you're all wet and dirty. Here, have a seat. Make yourself at home while I'll get you some clean clothes. And you" She snapped at Julian, who was already coming up to sit with me, making him straighten up and hit his head on the ceiling. "keep your hands to yourself."

“I’ve been keeping my hands to myself for way to long,” he murmured.

“I heard you!” Mazelinka shouted from behind a curtain separating the rooms.

Julian snickered and sat at the table across from me. “She’s a dear. She’s just pretending to be so harsh. Don’t be scared.”

“I’m not.”

He smiled beautifully at me and reached out to squeeze my hand.

“What did I tell you about the hands, Ilya?” Mazelinka scolded him, returning to the room with an armful of neatly folded clothes.

“Oh, come on. I was just comforting her. You’re scaring her with this awful nagging of yours.”

“She? Scared? From the moment I saw her I knew she’s got more guts than you. Here you go, dear,” she addressed me and handed me the pile. “Go behind the curtain and pick anything you like. I can’t let you stay in those wet clothes and catch your death.”

“Thank you so much.” I took the clothes from her and did as she said, grateful I could change. Behind the curtain, there was a small bedroom, lit with a single candle on a nightstand. There was a twin bed and a large wardrobe, and nothing more really. I shed my bloodstained clothes and picked a simple linen tunic. It was long enough to serve me for a dress. It was such a relief to put on something dry.

In the meantime, I couldn’t help but hear Mazelinka and Julian talk in hushed voices.

“Isn’t she the magician the Countess hired to find you?”

“Well… yes, but…”

“Why are you being such an idiot, Ilya?!”

“I’m not! I mean, I know I am, but it’s not… I mean she’s not like this!”

“Like what? Does it really takes only a pair of pretty eyes for you to forget about your own safety?”

“No! She won’t turn me in! If she wanted to, she’d done it a week ago.”

“A week?! You’ve been messing around with her for a whole week?”

“I’m not… Damn, Mazelinka, please, could you stop treating me like a child?”

“When you stop acting like one.”

I decided I was eavesdropping long enough. “Alright, I’m done. Thank you so much for this.”

“Of course, no problem. Are you two staying for the night or planning to run around the city some more, Ilya?”

“If you’d be so kind and have us, dear,” he said through clenched teeth and with an exaggerated smile.

She snapped him at the back of the head and went to the kitchen. She came back with a mug and handed it to Julian. “Drink this, then. I have some left from yesterday.”

“But it’s cold!” he was outraged.

Mazelinka sighed heavily and handed it to me. I took it obediently. “Here. Make him drink or he won’t even lie still. I have a feeling that your tricks will work on him better than mine.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Thank you, dear. Now, do you mind sleeping with this twit or shall I banish him to the hiding hole?”

Julian groaned. “No, not the hiding hole. [name] is not that cruel, are you, darling?”

I hid my smile behind a cough. “I can handle him. I’ll be alright.”

“Very well,” Mazelinka said. “Then off to bed, you two. You are barely keeping your eyes open. Shoo!” She hoisted Julian up from the table and pushed him towards the bedroom. Before she let go of him, she pulled him down and stabbed him in the chest with a finger. “And you use your head.”

“Instead of what?”

“You very well know what.” She pushed him into the bedroom. “Good night, children. Be good.”

“Good night. Thank you again,” I said, watching her open the door hidden in the floor.

She gave me a smile tinted with worry. “Good night, [name].”

I drew the curtain and turned to Julian. He was sitting on the bed, only in his shirt and trousers already, taking his boots off. When he was done, he fell on the pillows with a heavy sigh.

“Tired?” I asked.

“Mhm,” he murmured, rubbing his face. He took off the eyepatch and was about to put it on the nightstand, when he looked at me sheepishly. “You… don’t mind if I’m not wearing it, do you?”

“No, of course I don’t.”

He smiled weakly. “You’re amazing, you really are.” He sat up and outstretched his hand to me. “Come here.”

I came up to him and perched on the edge of the bed. He touched my face and hair, observing my face with awe and adoration. “Oh [name], I…” he stopped abruptly and shut his eyes closed, shaking his head.

My pulse jumped. “What is it?” I asked softly.

He looked back at me, smiling softly, though blushing brightly. “Nothing, darling, nothing. Come lie down with me. You must be exhausted.”

“Yes, but first…” I raised the mug I was still holding.

Julian winced. “Oh, I hate it cold.”

“I believe you but it helps you sleep, right?”

“Yeah, sometimes, maybe, a little, not really, no,” he lied openly.

“Alright, but I’d still like you to drink it. Please. For me?”

He snorted and shook his head. “You can’t just ask me to do something for you and expect me do it. It’s not a magic spell. It doesn’t work that way,” he said, taking the mug from me and downing it in a single, practiced swig. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “It just doesn’t.”

I took the empty mug from him and put it on the nightstand, stunned. “Alright, I’ll… keep that in mind.”

“I think I deserve a reward for being so good and drinking it,” he informed me.

“Excuse me?” I exclaimed in mock outrage. “You’re impertinent.”

“Thank you.” He smiled cheekily and, when I didn’t make any move to ‘reward him’, he pulled me on the bed next to him, half-covering me with his body.

My heart sped up immediately. I’d been tortured in my dreams for days, and now, it was real – his weight on me, his face over mine, his scent filling my senses.

“So,” he whispered, his hot breath ghosting against my lips, making me lick them. “How about that reward?”

“We’re not alone,” I noticed, though frankly, I would give him all of me right then and there if he only asked.

“I know. Such a shame,” he sighed and raised slightly to blow out the candle. Then, he laid back on top of me, making my breath hitch. I felt he was already getting hard. But Julian only stroked my cheek gently. “How about a kiss then? I’m afraid I’ll be out in a few minutes anyway.”

“Yes, shame.”

He smirked. “You shouldn’t have made me drink it, then.”

“You wouldn’t fall asleep without it.”

“Oh, sweetheart. I thought you knew by now what makes me sleep like the dead,” he murmured, his lips brushing mine ever so lightly, and his cock pressing against my hip.

Oh, I knew. But unfortunately, it wasn’t the time or the place. Plus, I felt Julian grow heavy on me. So, I flipped him on his back and leaned over him. “It’s funny how you’re able to tease, though you’re practically already asleep.”

“ ‘m not,” he murmured.

“Your eyes are closed.”

“Are not.”

“Don’t you want your reward already?”

His eyes shot open and he smiled happily. “Sure I do.”

I smiled sadly, but he couldn’t had seen it in the darkness. I brushed his cheek with my fingers and nuzzled the tip of his nose, before I kissed him. Julian wrapped his arms around my back and hummed. It was a slow, gentle kiss; a simple, affectionate caress. It made me remember that I shouldn’t feel about him the way I did. So I kissed him one last time and moved away.

He kept his eyes closed and was smiling in a silly way. “Mmm… Now, it was worth it.”

“I’m glad. So go to sleep now, dear Julian.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

I lied next to him and he snuggled close to me. I embraced him and stroked his hair. He sighed and relaxed in my arms, and it made my heart ache, because I already knew what I had to do.

“Julian, honey, could you listen to me for a second?” I whispered to his ear. He hummed in answer, so I think he heard me more or less. That was enough. “I asked you to be careful and you are, well, most of the time, and I want to thank you for that. But I’ve been thinking and it is not careful of me to run with you and hide in your and your friend’s homes. What if someone from the palace is following me? I may be putting you in danger and I don’t want that. I came to care about you and I want you to be safe. And tonight, you saved my life, you gave it back to me. You're my hero, never forget this. So now, I want to return your life to you. That’s why I need to go and leave you. I’m sorry... love.”

Julian only hummed sleepily again.

I kept stroking his hair, until he’d been breathing regularly for a few minutes. Then, I kissed his forehead one last time, and slipped out of the bed. I gathered my clothes, searched Julian’s coat for the key to the backroom, and tiptoed outside, into the night. I broke into a run and headed to my shop, fighting the tears back. I entered through the backroom, went straight to my room, changed into my clothes and ran back outside. By the dawn, I was at the palace, in front of the library. I brushed the intricate doors with my fingers and all the locks rasped open at once. I burst inside, straight to the desk. I placed my hands on the top, closed my eyes and released all my power, all my desperation and fear, and hope, to find what was hidden. And the papers swished into the air, the chair hit the wall, the books shuddered on their shelves, the windows slammed open, letting in a gush of chilly, morning wind…

…and the desk clicked.

I opened my eyes and slowly, like in a trance, I followed the sound vibrating in the air. I walked around the desk. There was a secret drawer sticking out from under it. I pulled it open. Inside, there was a key. A shiny, black key with a red jewel in its eye.

Now I only had to find the door.


	5. Rock bottom

I showed the key to Portia. She knew the palace better than anyone else, so I hoped she’d knew to which door it was.

She examined it with curiosity and concern. "I'm afraid I've never seen it before. And I don't think I know which door it might open. I've never seen anything like this here." She gave it back to me, and I put it in my bag, feeling disappointed. "Is this supposed to help? You know. _Him_."

I felt myself blush, and I bit my lip. "I hope so."

Portia nodded with determination. "I'll have my eyes open and let you know if I find anything suspicious."

I smiled weakly. "Thank you."

Without a warning, she hugged me. "No, thank _you._ For being on his side."

For a moment, I didn’t know what to say. "He's a good man," I mumbled awkwardly.

"Yes. It's just a shame he's also so stupid."

I chuckled softly and hugged her back. She was so kind and brave, and warm. She managed to soothe my nerves a little bit, and I was very grateful for that because in general, I felt terrible.

I kept replaying the events from last night over and over in my head and the more I thought about it, the more guilty I felt. I left him. I left Julian. My dear, sweet Julian. How could I leave him like this? What was I thinking? Well, sure, I had good reasons but if really so, then why did I feel as if my heart had been ripped out of my chest? I also knew that this way I saved us all the drama that would definitely take place if I told him all of that when he'd be conscious, when he could stop me and... make me change my mind and... show me how selfish, unfair and counterproductive my thinking was, but… No, there's no 'but'. What I did was awful. If Julian did the same to me, I'd just hate him. But I guess I'll get over it if he hates me now as long as I prove him innocent. That’s the most important. I just want him to be safe.

I moved away from Portia and sighed heavily, trying to collect myself. "Could you let me into the library? I think I’ll start searching there."

"Sure. C'mon."

She opened the complicated door for me (I didn't think I could manage it again by myself) and let me in. "Good luck." She winked at me and left.

I looked around, wondering where should I start and if it was really a door I should look for, not a box or, I don't know, a book with a lock. I sighed again and rubbed my blurry eyes. It was going to be long day. I took a deep breath, gripped the key in my hand and focused. I tried to let my magic out from the chaos in my head and heart, and make it search the place. Like a gentle gush of wind, it went through the library, its walls, floors, bookcases, desks… And I felt something, on the very edge of my mind. There was something hidden and dark. But… where? I squeezed my eyes shut and struggled to follow its faint call but it only made me dizzy with the effort. I swayed clumsily and opened my eyes. Frustration boiled in my blood. I found something important, I did! I just couldn't put my finger on it. I was too weak and uneasy. And it was my fault. I _hurt_ myself.

I groaned and rubbed my face. I was exhausted after a sleepless night and so shaken after what I did. I was simply useless. But I couldn't resign now. It cost both of us too much. So, I tried to get my act together and started to look for the door, or whatever, a less extravagant way - simply going inch by inch and examining the bookcases. Given that I had no idea what I was really looking for, I just touched and checked, well, _everything._ I kept in mind who I was doing it for and it gave me patience but either way, it was so horribly tedious and I was in such a bad shape that when I reached the alcove a few hours later, I just slumped into the chair and fell asleep.

The rest of the day passed pretty similarly, diversified only by meals with Nadia and short meetings with Portia, when we reported to each other with disappointment that we hadn't found anything.

On the next day, I continued to check the library. After a few hours more, I had found a notebook with a lock too small for the black key, a tome with blank pages, another large one with the inside carved to fit a bottle of wine, a portal to the palace garden, another one to some unused, dusty bedroom, a secret passage with a dead end, and a bathroom. Still, I could sense something more in there but I was just way too annoyed and depressed by the trivial findings to even focus to keep looking. I needed to change the air or I’d go mad. So, I decided, quite spontaneously, to go and search the Count's bedroom. After all, it was the scene of the crime. I should had returned there and examined it more carefully a long time ago.

I managed to find the stairs to Lucio's quarters. Luckily, those hellish dogs were nowhere to be seen. I looked up into the dark, neglected space and braced myself. I took a few, determined steps up when Portia appeared from around the corner.

"There you are! Come quick. This magician friend of yours is here with some kid. They are waiting with the Countess on the veranda." She took my hand and led me there.

"Asra? Really?" I made sure with a mixture of relief and anger. I was happy for him to be back but I still had a few burning matters to discuss with him, and he was not going to like it.

"Oh yes. He's so _cute_! It’s such a shame he didn't come with you from the very beginning."

"Ha ha. And he came with a... kid, you said?"

"Yes. I don't know him. His tall and skinny, pale as death and freckled, and wide-eyed like a scared puppy. He hasn't said a word and just kept staring at me. What a creep."

"I don't think I know anyone like that, either. Maybe his some friend of Asra's from his journeys?" I mused.

A moment later, we stopped by the exit to the veranda. Portia straightened my clothes before she cleared her throat and led me out. "[name], the magician, milady," she announced.

Asra right away stood up from the table the three of them were sitting at and pulled me into a hug. "[name]! So great to see you. I missed you very much," he whispered to my ear.

"It's good to see you, too." Over his shoulder, I peeked at the kid. He really was just a kid, a teenager. And he stared at me with wide eyes, too. But now, his pale face was flushed, and he was moving uneasily in his chair.

"Oh!" Asra moved away from me. "This is Ian. A friend of mine. I asked him to help you with the investigation."

Ian, with a small delay, reacted to his name, and jumped up from his seat, tilting the table and tipping over the cups and spilling the tea, then tried to pick them up frantically, until Portia intervened with professional calmness and precision.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"No problem," she said, giving me a look.

I bit my lip, trying not to smile. "Um… Hello, Ian," I greeted him, feeling awkward. He really was as creepy as Portia said.

He didn't respond, just stared.

"Very well," Nadia ended the awkward silence and stood up. "I have some urgent matters to attend to. [name], will you be alright taking care of our new guests?"

"Yes, of course."

"We'd like to start at the library, if it's not a problem," Asra said, pretending not to see my shocked look.

"Not at all. Portia?"

"I've got the keys, milady. I'll take them there."

"Excellent. Excuse me, then."

When she left, I turned to Asra. "What are you doing here?" I hissed at him. "And who is this guy?"

Ian moved anxiously, still at the table.

Portia made a similar move. "I'll wait for you there, alright?" she said and disappeared.

"A friend." Asra wrapped his arm around my shoulders and moved us towards the door. "He'd like to see the library."

I snapped his arm away from me. "No, Asra. I'm sick of such answers. I'm in trouble and it's very much your fault!"

"I know and I'm sorry. But we'll talk about it later when…"

"No. We'll talk about it _now._ I have questions and I will _not_ accept any more lies, half-truths or evasions."

He flushed and glanced at Ian nervously. "No, [name], I'm really sorry but we don't have that much time. Come on, let’s go." He took my wrist and pulled me inside. Ian followed us.

"Let go of me, Asra! I'm sick of all the secrets!" I tried to wrest my hand from his grip but he was strong.

"I know, I really do. But _please_ , trust me one last time. We have to get to the library really quick."

"Why? What's going on? Ian!" I turned to the boy, making him start. "Who the hell are you and what are you really doing here?"

Ian's face turned red and he gave Asra a confused look.

"Not yet," Asra said firmly, making me seeth.

There we go again - another bloody secret.

"You selfish bastard," I snapped at him. "If you knew what I got myself into just because you wouldn't let me in on a few, tiny _details,_ you'd burn from shame!"

He stopped abruptly and took my hands into his. He looked me straight in the eyes. "I _know_ and I really am terribly sorry. But we're running out of time. Could you _please_ trust me this one time?"

I watched his face, so worried and sincere. As always. I shook my head.

He looked pained for a split second before he turned away from me and pulled me further. We turned around the corner and saw Portia waiting for us with the door to the library already opened.

For a second, I wondered how Asra knew the way…

"Oh! So soon? I thought it'd be a longer conversation," she smiled playfully at us.

"It will be long," I said, looking at Asra.

"But we just can't wait to see the library," Asra smiled at Portia, before pushing me inside and pulling Ian behind him. "Thank you, Portia."

"Anytime," she replied, ogled Asra one last time, winked at me, and closed the door, leaving us alone.

Asra sighed with relief, then observed Ian from head to toes. "It's still fine, thank gods."

"What's fine? Nothing's fine!" I was losing my patience.

"Please, [name]… No, I’m _begging_ you - save it for later. Just not here, not now. Let's just go to the alcove."

"Asra, for god's sake, is there _any_ place or time alright for you to talk?"

"Sure, but," We stopped in the alcove. Ian was looking around as if he were on a school trip. He was getting on my nerves. "But not here and not today. I'll go now. Good luck, you two."

"What?!" I exclaimed outraged. I grabbed his arm and leaned towards him. "Do _not_ leave me alone with this… freak," I hissed to his ear.

Asra had the nerve to laugh. "Oh, I've never doubted your taste in men. Until today."

" _Excuse me?_ "

"Good luck, sweetie." He kissed my cheek and left. Just like this.

I stared after him for a moment, speechless. What was he talking about? It didn't make any sense. And once again, he was gone, leaving me with more questions than answers. Oh, how I hated him right now.

I turned to Ian, who was browsing books on Julian’s desk. "Ian?" I made him snap his head up and look at me. "Could you please not touch anything? I put those in a certain order and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Sorry," he mumbled, his face brightly blushed. He avoided my gaze.

"Um, so… What are you supposed to do? I mean, what Asra brought you here for?" I asked clumsily. "I don't mean to be rude. He said you'd help but he wouldn't be himself if he specified in what way."

He wasn't answering for a long while. I started to think he was just stupid, but finally, he gave me a tortured look. "[name], I'm so sorry."

I froze. This sounded familiar.

Then, the air around Ian shimmered and his appearence changed softly like falling dust.

My heart twisted painfully, and I gasped. "Julian!"

He came up to me. "Hush, please, don’t shout."

"What are you doing here? It’s the very last place you should be at! Oh, Asra, god damn it! What was he thinking bringing you _here_?! I'm gonna kill him! I'm gonna kill both of you idiots!"

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I just needed so bad to see you. I'm so, so sorry."

I looked at him and it struck me how beautiful he was and how much I missed him. He wasn't wearing his eyepatch, so I could see both of his amazing eyes looking at me, begging me. My heart ached at the memory of how I left him and on the thought that I should keep him at bay.

"You shouldn't be here. It's dangerous," I said softly, taking a step back.

"I don't care," he closed the distance between us and took my hands. I tried to move away, but his pained expression made me stop. "Please, darling. I'm so sorry for whatever I've done to make you leave. I didn't mean to hurt or offend you. Please, I'm sorry."

I felt my face burn, and my eyes right away filled with tears. "You didn't do anything wrong," I said quietly through my clenched throat. "I just didn't want to put you or your friends in danger."

He cracked a tentative smile. "You worry too much, dear. We're be alright."

"But not here! Not now. Seriously, I'll smother Asra in his sleep for bringing you here."

"Don't. It's my fault. When I saw you were gone in the morning, I went straight to the shop and… waited outside since I seem to have lost the key." I looked away and my stomach twisted with shame. "And when he came, I begged him to help me see you. I'm sorry, dearest, I know I shouldn’t but I just had to."

I nodded slowly and took a more or less steady breath. "Alright." I gently slipped my hands from his grip. "Since you're already here, maybe you'll help me find something I can't. And in a moment, I'll think how to get you out of the palace safely."

"You're my angel," he sighed and reached for me but I took a step back, making him frown. "What's wrong?"

I felt so bad I could barely hold his gaze. "Please, just don't," I uttered weakly.

He looked terrified. "Why? Did I hurt you? I'm so sorry if I did."

"No, you didn't. It's just… It’s just…"

"Please? I missed you so much. I was so worried. You left so suddenly."

"But I told you why I had to. Didn’t you hear what I told you?"

"I did. Though I thought I dreamt it." He managed to give me a small, sassy smile. "You waited for the soup to kick in before you left. That was sneaky. You knew it wouldn't be easy if I were conscious."

"It certainly is not now."

He hummed, as if unsure what to make out of my actions. Then, he looked at me hopefully and blushed slightly. "You... called me 'love'... didn't you?"

Tears rolled down my burning cheeks. Yes. Yes, I did. And I meant it. But I couldn't tell him this right now if I wanted to finish my task, discover the truth and keep both of us away from the gallows. If I succeed, we'll have lots of time for confessions.

"You must've dreamt this part," I said, though it broke my heart.

He flustered and laughed nervously, rubbing his face. "Yes, probably. Sorry, it was silly."

"Never mind. Let's get to work," I said coldly. "I went through your desks and all the books and papers, but didn't really find anything suspicious. I checked also some of the library and its contents but it's just too much for me, so maybe…" I kept talking just to keep myself busy. I almost jumped out of my skin when Julian touched my shoulder.

His eyes went wide. "Sorry! I didn't mean to scare you."

"It's alright. Just… maybe don't. Don't touch me."

He gave me a terrified look. "But why? What did I do?"

I felt panic starting to grow in my chest. "Nothing. Really, nothing. Just, just… It’ll be better if you don’t. Like I told you, I need to focus on one thing."

"Yes, I remember, but what does it have to do with me touching you?"

"Nothing! I mean… Damn! It’s not my point! I told you. I just can’t help you and not put you in danger at the same time."

"I can keep myself safe."

I gaped at him and gestured around. "You just had Asra smuggle you into a place full of guards and where it's in almost everyone's interest to capture you! How is this safe?"

He just frowned miserably and looked at me pleadingly. "Oh [name], you’re right but _please_ , I'm begging you, don’t... push me away like this. You mean so much to me. You can't even imagine how much I missed you." He stepped towards me and wrapped his arms around me before I managed to back away. He held me so tight I felt his heart beat frantically against my chest like a terrified bird trapped in a cage. I tried to squirm away from him but he wouldn't let go. He pressed his face to the side of my neck and kissed it. "Please, darling, _please._ I'll do anything for you. I'll give you all of me. I'll give you anything you want, anything you need, I promise, just _please,_ don’t push me away _…_

I started to break. It was too much. It was too difficult, too painful. It wasn't supposed to happen. I shook my head. "Let go of me," I whispered, not trusting my voice.

"But why?" he breathed against my neck, his voice strained.

"Because it was hard enough to run away from you when you were asleep, let alone now, when you're holding me like this."

He embraced me harder. "[name], I'm begging you.. _._ "

It broke my heart but I shook my head.

Suddenly, he looked at me. I only got a glimpse of panic and tears shining in his eyes before he kissed me, and my body took over my brain immediately. I returned the kiss in the same hurried, desperate way. We clung to each other, touched our faces, our hair, clawed at our clothes. Then, he pushed me back towards the desk, swept everything on the floor and lifted me up on top of it, nestling between my thighs, not breaking the kiss.

I was terrified. I was heartbroken. I didn't know what was happening or what I should do. I just wanted it be good. I wanted him not to cry. I wished I could make him feel better. I wished I didn't want him so much. I wished this nightmare was already over.

I unbuttoned his jacket and slipped my hands under his shirt. I just needed to feel him, at least a little bit of him. He hoisted my skirt and groped my bare thighs and hips. I could feel his cock grow and harden against my groin. I knew it wasn't a good idea but I needed him so badly, and wanted to give myself to him one more time; to try and make him feel good for a while at least.

I wanted him to forgive me.

I squeezed my hands between our bodies and undid his trousers. Julian groaned and pushed me on my back, pinning me down with his body. He just moved my underwear away and entered me in one, quick move. I threw my head back and barely stopped a scream. He was big and hard, and I was unprepared, too tight, too dry, and it hurt, it burnt. But it was good. I needed it to hurt. Julian pressed his head to my shoulder, facing away from me, wrapped an arm around my waist and gripped the edge of desk, and fucked me. He wasn't slow nor gentle. He just pounded into me; just took me and I let him. It was rough and brutal. It was just sex. Just our bodies, nothing more. We didn't even look at each other. We barely touched each other.

He came soon. He just moaned and tensed for a second, then took his hand from under my back and slowly, questioningly, even fearfully, touched my shoulder.

I blinked and hot tears ran down my temples. "I'm so sorry. All of this is just so wrong," I breathed through my clenched throat.

Julian stayed as he was for a moment longer, then he rose, not touching me or looking at me. He turned his back to me and walked to a wall, leaned against a bookcase and fixed his clothes.

I sat up, feeling devastated. Nothing was right or good, so I just wished he'd at least listened to me. "Julian, you must understand me. I can't do this like that!" I burst. "There is too much between us, and I can't work and be so close to you at the same time. I'm supposed to- I _want_ to discover the truth and god knows how much I wish you were innocent. But what if you're not? What if I find a proof of your guilt? I'd want to destroy it on the spot but you'd want me to reveal it, wouldn't you?"

After a moment, he nodded.

"Yes, you would, and fuck!, I would do this for you. But how am I supposed to watch you die after all of this? Feeling all of this? I can't do both, Julian! I can't and I'm so sorry!"

I froze, waiting for his reaction. He didn't move for a few moments. Then, he sighed and brushed his hair with his fingers. He took the eyepatch out from his pocket, put it on and straightened up. When he turned back to me, he was pale and avoided my gaze.

I jumped off the desk and took a hesitant step towards him. "Julian…?"

He flinched almost imperceptibly. He cleared his throat and walked around me towards the desk.

I felt as if he slapped me.

"There is something important in here, if my hunch is correct," he said, trying to sound as if nothing happened.

I wiped the tears from my face and took a shuddering breath. "I know. I found it."

"Did you?"

I clenched my lips and bent down for my bag, which ended up on the floor with all the books and papers. I fished out the black key and after a second of hesitation, I just placed it on the desk.

Julian took it and examined it. His eye went wide. "This is it. And I think I remember…" he walked out from the alcove.

"What? What is it? What does it open?" I followed him, hurt and irritated that he didn't wait for me.

He stopped in front of a bookcase in the main room. He was brushing the spines of the books with his fingers, moving some of them, and muttering to himself. When he pulled out three of those, the bookcase slided open.

Well, this one I missed.

We looked inside, and an ice-cold shiver ran down my spine from the darkness and chilly, musty air creeping out. Without a word, Julian stepped into the tunnel. I rushed after him, summoning an orb of light.

"Wait! Where does it lead to?"

"You don't have to go with me," he said coldly.

"Yes, I do. It's my job to get to the bottom of this."

He snickered. "Yes, sure."

I ignored it. "Besides, I want to help you."

"I don't need your help," he snapped at me.

My face was burning with shame and my orb flickered and faded, but I collected myself. "Yes, you do," I whispered.

He didn't comment on that. Suddenly, he stopped, making me almost bump into him.

"What's wrong?"

He didn't answer. He just hunched slightly and rubbed his temples.

A headache? Was he remembering something?

Then, he straightened up and ran forward. I did my best to catch up with him on the slippery stone stairs. I was shocked to see that he knew the tunnel so well he didn't even need my light. He left me far behind him.

"Julian, please, wait," I groaned pathetically.

Luckily, I found him standing in a cavern, staring at a massive, black gate and a cage behind it. I observed the mechanism under the ceiling with dread. I realised it must had been for moving the cage up and down. I shivered on the thought of what might be down…

"Julian…" I spoke softly, standing next to him. "Where are we going?"

Again, he didn't answer. He just took the key out from his pocket and approached the gate. He put the key in the hole, turned it with effort, and with an infernal noise, it opened. He stepped inside. I thought quick and jumped in right after him, a second before the gate shut down and the cage quacked and went down slowly.

We stood in the tiny cage, trying not to touch each other. I could literally feel the coldness and hurt radiating from Julian. I put my arms around me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"[name]…" he groaned, sounding tired. "Don't be. There's no need. I… I should've seen it coming. It's no surprise, actually. It's happened before: I used you, you used me, and now you're done with me. End of the story. I… um " he chuckled mirthlessly. "I'm not even mad. So, please, just… don’t."

My heart broke once more. I wondered when its pieces would be too small to break again but I guess it wasn't the moment. I felt my face burn and my head spin with shame and frustration caused by the false accusations. It was a nightmare. I wished I could wake up.

"I didn’t use you," I uttered but I was drowned out by the screech of the cage stopping.

Julian brushed past me and stepped out, not looking back.

"I didn’t use you," I repeated louder, making him stop. "I explained myself. Didn't you hear a word of what I said?"

He turned towards me with a poker face. "You're supposed to be at work. Can we pretend that I am, too, and act professionally and just… _not_ talk about it?" Not waiting for me to answer, he turned around and rushed through the hallway.

He angered me this time. "But we have to talk about it. You're being so…" I cut myself off when I followed him into a room at the end of the passage. It was filled with old, bloody aprons and plague masks. It made all the hairs on my body stand with dread. But Julian didn’t even slow down. He opened the next door and we entered a large room with rows of tables with leather restraints. It smelled like death and disease in here, and the thick, dark aura almost put out my already weak orb of light. The place was so… wrong that it took my breath away.

I looked at Julian. He was trembling, taut, with one feet behind him as if he wanted to run away. Instinctively, I came up to him and took his hand gently. He flinched. He looked at our hands, then at me, and moved away, pressing the hand to his stomach.

"I hate this place," he breathed. "We worked here. There was so many sick people. So many bodies. So much blood."

"I believe you," I said comfortingly, I hoped.

Julian looked around and walked straight to a door on the other end of the room. He stopped abruptly in front of it and outstretched his arm to touch it but hesitated. "It was my office."

"What's inside?"

He braced himself and opened the door. "Answers."

This 'office' of his was tiny. There was a dusty desk loaded with books and papers, stained with black ink. There was also a cot shoved to the corner and it made me feel so sorry for Julian - it was _way_ too short for him. But the most unsettling thing was on the opposite wall - large, painted symbol, the same as on Julian’s throat.

"Um… Are you sure it was Asra who cursed you?" I asked.

"I'm not sure of anything at the moment," he replied, a taunt evident in his tone.

I sucked it up and didn’t say anything.

He went through the mess on the desk until he picked one book - with the same symbol on the cover. He paged through it, then, with an irritated groan, tossed it away, and browsed a pile of papers. I, however, picked it up, sensing that there was something more to it. I examined it more carefully than Julian. The text was in an alphabet I couldn’t read but I was sure I’d seen somewhere before. There were also his notes on the margins but they were as illegible and useless as the other ones. I reached the end of the book, feeling disappointed, when a single page flew out and landed on the floor. I picked it up. My pulse jumped. I rummaged in my bag.

“Julian?”

“Hm?” he grunted, going through another book.

“Care to explain this?” I showed him his drawing of a half-man, half-raven, and the card of the Hanged Man I fished out from the deck.

He looked up, irritated that I wanted something from him, and his eye went wide. He took the picture from me and stared at it.

“Where did you see it? Did you know it from Asra?” I wanted to know but Julian was silent and still. He didn’t even blink. He seemed… detached. “Julian?” I tried again but failed. He was off. I touched his shoulder and his breath hitched. He blinked and looked at me but didn’t say anything. I came closer to him, feeling him go tense. “What happened to you? You saw something, didn’t you? A memory.”

He didn’t give me any kind of answer. He stared back at the drawing, flustered, breathing heavily. He swallowed hard.

“Julian, I’m begging you, say something!” I squeezed his forearm, growing anxious.

He snatched his hand from my grip. “I know what to do,” he muttered and stormed out of the office.

“What?” I followed him. “Julian? What do you mean? What are you going to do? Julian, for god's sake!”

I had to run through the room and the hallway to catch up with him, and again, I got to the cage in the very last second. I was terrified and angry. “God damn it, Julian! Can’t you wait for me? Were you going to leave me down here?” This time he didn’t answer, too. He wouldn’t even look at me, and it was driving me crazy. “What did you see? What are you going to do?”

He ignored me. Then, we reached the top of the dungeons and stepped out of the cage. I followed Julian back to the library. When he went straight to the door, I ran up to him and caught his hand.

“Julian, please, you’re scaring me!”

He finally looked at me, and the way he did – cold, emotionless, even a little hostile, made me let go of him and take a step back.

“Alright, I’ll tell you,” he spoke suddenly.

I was taken aback. I didn’t think he’d give up just like that. Something was wrong.

He leaned towards me and put his hands on my shoulders, squeezing too tight, hurting me. I froze, too scared to move.

“In the dungeon,” he said slowly. “I found an answer I was looking for. And now,” he paused. “I am going to leave you and turn myself in.” With these words, he turned around, went out and shut the door in my face.

“NO!” I screamed and pounced on the door. I pulled the knob but the door locked up. I banged my fists on the wood. “Julian! Julian! No! Come back!! Don’t! No, please, don’t…!” I tried to focus and make the door open like before but I couldn’t. I burst out crying. “Julian, please, don’t…” I whimpered but he couldn’t had heard me. I slipped down on the floor and cried loudly.

What have I done? Oh god, what have I done… What was I thinking? Why did I do this to him? Now, when I was thinking about it, it made no sense! It was just selfish and cruel. It was all my fault. Julian wouldn’t have ended up like that if it wasn’t for me. I was supposed to find out the truth and protect him, and now, I knew nothing and he was probably being handcuffed in the very moment. I failed everyone I could: Julian, Nadia, Portia, Mazelinka, and myself. I fucked up so bad I just couldn’t believe it.

***

 

I was found some time later. It was already getting dark when Portia burst into the library, finding me sitting on the floor, staring blankly into space.

“Oh [name]! I’ve been looking for you!” she exclaimed, her face red and wet from tears. She fell to her knees next to me. “Ilya appeared out of nowhere and turned himself in! He just strolled up to milady and confessed he killed the Count. Can you believe it? This idiot! This bastard!”

"I know," I whispered, feeling I was going to cry again.

She gaped at me. "You do? But, but…"

"That kid… It was him. Asra put a spell on him."

"What?! You’ve got to be kidding me! Those idiots! Utter morons! I'm gonna kill them both the next time I see them!"

"Does it matter now?" I breathed, my throat clenched painfully. "It's all my fault. I couldn't stop him. I'm so sorry, Portia. I couldn't stop him… I tried, I swear…" I sobbed, breaking once again.

To my surprise, Portia wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. "Don't be silly. You say you wanted to stop my brother from doing something stupid? I'm proud of you that you managed to stop him for that long."

I would had laughed if I wasn't wrecked. "What can we do now? Can we talk to Nadia? Would she listen to us?"

"I don't know. We should try. We can't just let him die!"

I hugged her hard and shook my head. "We can't. We won't. We'll find a way. We'll save him."

"And when we do, I'll kill the idiot."

I muffled a sob against her shoulder. "I'll help."


	6. Don't fear the reaper

Later this evening, Portia and I were sitting next to each other on a sofa. Nadia sat in an armchair, leaning back and watching us closely, processing what we'd just told her, that is, everything.

She turned her gaze to Portia. "He’s your brother," she stated.

Portia's face was as red as her hair. "Yes, milady. And once again, please forgive me for not telling you. I'm so sorry!" she burst out.

Nadia raised her hand. "Don’t worry, Portia. We do not get to choose our family." She looked at me. "But we do get to choose our co-workers. Remind me, [name], who doctor Devorak is to you again?"

I swallowed hard, but squared my shoulders. "A friend." 

"A friend," she repeated slowly. 

"I won't go into detail, if you don’t mind," I asked, blushing furiously.

"No, I don't," she said calmly. "What I do mind, however, is disloyalty. I put my trust in you, [name]. I trusted you to find the doctor and bring him to me. Meanwhile, you have been seeing him regularly behind my back. What am I supposed to think about you now? Should I have you arrested as his accomplice?"

I felt Portia move anxiously next to me but I put my hand on hers. "Nadia… Countess. I know how it looks and how it must sound when I say that every time I met him it was by accident. It's true but even I wouldn't believe myself if I heard it right now. So, I'd only like to assure you I've been trying to discover the truth about the Count's death the whole time. I just… couldn't help you hang a man without a proof," I confessed. Portia squeezed my hand reassuringly, and I just realised it was trembling. 

Nadia was silent for a moment after I'd finished, watching Portia and me. When she finally spoke, she made us start. "Am I really such a merciless tyrant in the eyes of Vesuvia?" 

"Um…" I hesitated and looked at Portia. 

She bit her lip. "I'm afraid so, milady." 

Nadia nodded slowly. 

"You were very sure of Ju… doctor Devorak's guilt," I noticed tentatively. "You said the Court…"

Nadia huffed and stood up. " _The Court_ ," she almost spit out the words. She approached a small table with a tray full of crystal carafes and poured herself a glass of wine. She took a long swig and stared at the dark garden outside the windows. "The Court is incompetent and selfish beyond imagination, and I am positive that they have been lying to me and manipulating me. But this is coming to an end." She turned to us. "I do not want to be remembered as a tyrant nor let the Court do as they please. Today, I have decided that every citizen of Vesuvia will have the right to be lawfully trialled and judged by the people, starting with doctor Devorak. And you, [name], will present the facts and evidence you've discovered during his trial tomorrow at noon."

"It'll be a short trial, then," I said, feeling absolutely wrecked. 

Nadia sighed and took another swallow of her wine. "Was there really nothing to discover?" 

"Oh, I've discovered many interesting things. I'm just afraid they'll be quite useless in this specific case."

"No ground-breaking proofs regarding doctor Devorak, I understand?" 

"None of his innocence, but, luckily, if I may say so, none of his guilt either."

Nadia pinched the bridge of her nose and sat back in the armchair. She finished the glass.

"More wine, milady?" Portia offered tentatively, standing up.

"Yes, please, and pour some for [name] and yourself."

Portia brought a tray with the carafe and two more glasses and poured us wine, then sat down next to me, gripping hers awkwardly. 

"I'm sorry I disappointed you, Countess," I said quietly. 

She shook her head and drank some. "I suppose everything would have gone differently if I had not told you to find him, so we can hang him. Somehow, I overlooked you might become… _morally_ in favour of the doctor. My mistake. Still, I would hate to see your efforts go to waste. Do tell me, if you two are so friendly with each other, hasn't he shared with you the story of what happened the dreadful night?"

I ignored her allusions to my affair with Julian, though I did got hot from embarrassment. I cleared my throat. "Yes, well... You're not going to like the answer, either." 

Nadia frowned miserably. "I don’t like the whole situation already. Tell me. How bad can it be…"

I took a sip of wine before I answered. "Julian, I mean doctor Devorak, he… doesn't remember the night of the murder. Nor… anything from the time when he worked in the palace," I added quickly and drank more.

Nadia looked surprised for a split second, then fascinated. "Doesn't he."

"I know how it sounds," I started to explain. "But it's true. He didn't remember the library or his desk, nor the dungeon. Not even me, though we knew each other before."

"Seriously?" Portia exclaimed. 

Suddenly, I remembered my portrait. "Oh! I can prove it!" I rummaged in my bag. I fished out the drawing and showed it to Portia and Nadia. "I found it in one of his books in the library." 

"Wow…" Portia sighed, then beamed at us. "It's so exciting! He didn't remember you? That must've been so strange to you." 

Her remark made me realise I had one more thing to confess. I took another swallow and stared at my knees. "Well… Not exactly, because… and I know this is also hard to believe, but... I don’t remember anything except for the last three years," I spit it out before I'd got scared. After a second, I dared to peek up at Nadia. 

She narrowed her eyes at me, then frowned and rubbed her temple. "I see," she said simply. 

"You do...?"

"Yes. It appears to be a common condition in this city," she sighed mysteriously. She looked at us as if assessing if she can trust us. She decided. "You do not know that, [name], but I was asleep for the past three years. Portia was taking care of me, wasn’t you?"

"Yes, milady." 

"And I woke up barely a few months ago, having no memories of my life in Vesuvia. So yes, I believe you." 

I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say. All of this didn't make any sense. 

Nadia gave me a small, playful smile. "I know this is hard to believe," she said, mocking me. 

"It is, actually," I uttered. I looked at Portia. 

She saw my gaze and raised her hands. "Don't look at me like this. My memory is fine, thank you very much." 

I smiled sadly. I shook my head. "So what are we going to do now? I've got nothing. _We've_ got nothing. All we know is that nobody remembers anything. Which is just hopeless. The Courtiers want him dead and there's no way we can protect him. No proofs, no facts…" I felt tears start to well in my eyes. I blinked them away and drank some wine. Portia squeezed my hand again but she only managed to shake me up more. A few tears escaped and rolled down my cheeks. I wiped them away quickly. "Sorry…" I mumbled. 

"Didn’t you say he remembered something in his office in the dungeons?" Nadia said, tactfully pretending not to see me cry.

"Yes, but he didn't tell me what."

"You shall ask him again, then."

I thought I misheard her. "Sorry?" 

She looked me in the eye with determination. "I will not let the Courtiers get what they want out of their evil, selfish motives. Not if those require a life of a supposedly innocent person. I need you to get to the bottom of this. This is why you will meet with doctor Devorak tomorrow morning and extract the truth from him. To help you at the trial, to convince the people, I need facts. As the Countess, I cannot do more without undermining the new system. I’m sorry, [name]."

On the thought of seeing him again, my heart fluttered, and I was all ears. In that moment, I'd do absolutely anything Nadia would say, just to have a chance to see him one more time.

I took a deep breath before I spoke. "That's much more than I expected. Thank you so much."

"But please, do anything it takes to get something valuable. Without it, I will not be able to help."

I nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, yes, of course. I-I'll do my best, I promise. And thank you. Thank you so much." 

Nadia raised her hand again, a small, sad smile on her lips. "Let us finish our drinks and have a rest. I want you to be in good shape tomorrow, [name]." 

I nodded again and did as she said, feeling extremely relieved and even more nervous at the same time. Once I was in my room, I was too anxious to even lie in bed. I paced, feeling sick with fear and shame. I was terrified to look Julian in the eye again after what I'd done to him.

I just couldn't believe it. How could I have tried to help and fuck up so badly? How the hell did I end up breaking his heart? How? I didn't mean to… But frankly, what did I expect to happen? Didn't I know him enough to predict he wouldn't lock himself up in Mazelinka's hiding hole and just wait patiently for me to save him? Damn, how could I be so stupid! I knew he is independent and reckless like… like… Like me. Oh, I should've known better. And now, how can I apologise for hurting him so much? He must hate me.

Still, if I was to continue the part where I save his life, I needed to make him talk. The problem was I felt numb with guilt and pain. I couldn't make myself think on anything sneaky. And I didn’t think I wanted to be sneaky. I lied to him once and it made my insides twist with regret, and I would never do this again. 

Having no better ideas than being honest, I went to bed to try to get some sleep. I didn't know for how long I lied down staring into the darkness because whenever I closed my eyes, I saw Julian's face - cold and hostile when he told me he was going to turn himself in. I saw the hurt and panic in his eyes when I told him not to touch me. How could I tell him not to touch me? I opened my eyes and sat up, crying once again, feeling more and more devastated after each attempt to get some rest. And then, suddenly, it was dawn, and Portia was knocking on my door to wake me up.

I dressed up and had breakfast with Nadia. I barely touched my food and we didn't really speak. There was nothing left to say. She knew everything. I knew what to do. We finished to pretend to be eating and went to the carriage already waiting to take us to the Coliseum. I just couldn't wait to be there already, though the fear was eating me up.

Here, I had no luck. The announcement of today's trial made the whole city go crazy. The streets were swarming with people and carriages heading to the Coliseum. It seemed there wasn't a single person who didn't come to see the first trial in the history of Vesuvia. 

I cursed under my breath. Nadia and Portia looked at me. 

"Don't worry," Nadia said. "You will have enough time to talk to doctor-"

Outside, the horses neighed with alarm, and our carriage shook violently and stopped. We looked out the windows to see that our carriage collided with another one, blocking the street and causing even worse chaos. The two coachmen were yelling at each other and the people around us were muttering to themselves with annoyance as they tried to move on in the thickening crowd.

I groaned with distress. The trial was supposed to start so soon! What if I won't get to see Julian at all?!

"Unbelievable!" Nadia sighed and stepped out of the carriage as it seemed the coachmen were not going to stop arguing any time soon.

I slumped back on my seat and closed my eyes. I was stressed beyond belief. Then, I felt Portia take my hand and squeeze it. I looked at her and tried to give her a smile but failed miserably. 

"You'll have time to talk to him, don’t worry. Milady will make sure you will," she said. 

"It won't be much time..."

"But still, it'll be something. Enough to beat some sense into his head."

I smiled faintly, though my eyes filled with tears like on cue. "It didn't stay there long after the last time you did it."

"It never does. I just hope one day he'll learn and just… just… stop being so stupid, I guess. So it’s always worth a shot. And he'll listen to you."

I blinked and tears rolled down my face. I looked out the window and wiped them away quickly. "How do you know?" 

"Well, you must be important to him if he made the cute magician smuggle him to the palace just to see you."

I snorted. "And look how badly it turned out for him… I'm no good for him. It's all my fault." 

"Oh, c'mon, you can't blame yourself for him being ridiculous." 

"But I… He wouldn't…" I blurted out but trailed off. There was so much of it I didn't know where to start.

I made this. It was all my fault, starting with my reckless flee from the palace during the hunt, ending with me pushing him away in the library yesterday. Or maybe I just should have been honest with him and told him how much I cared for him, and held him, and kissed him, and promised everything was going to be alright. Maybe then he wouldn't be so self-destructive. Maybe then he would rather stay with me.

More tears ran down my cheeks and I wiped them angrily with my sleeve. What did it matter now? It was my fault and my job to make it right again. "I'll do whatever it takes to save your brother, Portia, I swear it to you." I looked into her big, glassy eyes. She just clenched her lips and nodded shortly, squeezing my hand until it almost hurt.

Then, Nadia returned inside and the carriage slowly moved forward. "Alright, we can continue. And Portia, please, once this is all over, remind me to start works on laws regarding road traffic."

"Yes, milady." 

After some time of agonizingly slow ride, we reached the Coliseum. We stepped out from the carriage and Nadia summoned one of her guards. 

"Take [name] to doctor Devorak. Make sure she can talk to him in peace and that she joins me before the trial begins."

He bowed shortly. "Yes, milady." He turned to me. "Follow me, please." 

I looked one more time at the two women. Nadia nodded and Portia smiled reassuringly. Then, I followed the guard to the cells.

Down there, in the narrow, dimly lit corridors, the air was awfully chilly and humid. It made me shake uncontrollably. I clenched my teeth but I just wouldn't stop shaking.

We stopped at one of the cells.

"Let her in. Countess' order," he told the guard standing by it, who just nodded shortly and opened the cell door. It swung open with a rusty screech.

With my mouth suddenly terribly dry, my tongue stiff like a wooden stake and my body cold and numb, I just stared at the open door. I couldn't move. I didn't know what to do. I barely breathed.

"The trial begins shortly, I'm afraid," the guard said to me.

Right, it did. So, I squared my shoulders and squeezed my hands into fists to stop them from trembling, and stepped into the cell. The guards closed the door behind me. 

Julian stood with his back to me, leaning casually on a stone wall. He was chained by the wrists to it. He seemed to be determined to ignore me.

"Julian…?" I said quietly. He didn't move. "Julian, please, could you listen to me?"

When he finally straightened up and sighed heavily, I almost jumped. "Go away."

He sounded so tired and resigned it made my eyes water once again, and my heart ached like a reopened wound. But I tried to focus. " _Please._ I don't have much time and I need you to tell me one thing."

He sighed again and turned slightly towards me, so now, I saw his right profile and the eyepatch concealing his eye. "I don't owe you anything," he said slowly, coldly. "We're over. _I'm_ over. Why would I do anything for you?"

"What? No! We're not over, nothing's over, it's not true. Julian, I… just…" I started to stammer, the panic taking over me. But I remembered what I was here for and stuck to the subject. "Please, just tell me what you remembered in the dungeon and what you are going to do, and I'll be gone."

He snickered. "That's two things."

Tears prickled my eyes. "Julian, I’m begging you…" 

"I begged you, too!" He turned to me sharply, making me start. "And it meant _nothing._ "

He was paler than ever. His left eye was red-rimmed and the eyelids even darker than usually. He looked sick. I'm sure he didn't sleep. And he cried, I could tell.

"I know and I… I…" I uttered through my painfully clenched throat and trailed off. And what? Were there any words appropriate to say right now? For lying and rejecting? There were not. "And I'm sorry. I… I know you probably won't believe me but I swear that everything I did was because I wanted you to be safe." I snorted. "When I'm thinking about it now, all of this was just plain stupid. I'm so sorry, Julian. I was wrong. It's all my fault. I'm sorry." 

Julian closed his eyes and took a breath as if dealing with me was extremely annoying. Then, he smiled bitterly. "Wow. So this is how it feels like - to be pushed away and then, to hear the neverending 'I'm sorries'. Interesting. I got a taste of my own medicine and damn, isn’t it bitter."

I had no idea what he was talking about. But what else was I supposed to do if not apologise? And perhaps save him from the hangman's noose? Even though he wasn't making it any easier. As if it's been ever easy with him…

I opened my mouth to ask him about the dungeon once again but Nadia's guard interrupted me.

"Time's almost up!" he announced from behind the door. 

My heart almost jumped out of my chest and my pulse quickened so suddenly that my head spun. I took a shaky step towards Julian. He stepped away, looking at me with hostility. 

"Please, tell me what's going on!" I whispered urgently. "I can't defend you at the trial if I don’t know what happened." 

"I don't need you to defend me."

"Alright! But I want to anyway and I need to know what you found out." 

He shook his head and laughed nervously. "You're impossible! Just let go already, could you?" 

" _Please_ , tell me. If not for me, do it for Portia!" 

Julian froze, and I regretted my words at once. He slumped against the wall and covered his face with his hands. "Thank you for reminding me about how awful I am to my sister," he murmured.

It would hurt less if he hit me. 

"Time's up!" The guard started to unlock the door noisily.

"Julian, please," I tried again, despite the overwhelming pain in my chest. 

He shook his head.

The door swung open. "Time's up. The trial's about to begin."

"Julian," I breathed so quietly I barely heard myself. "Darling, please…"

Julian pushed himself off the wall and pounced at me until the chains stopped him with a furious rattle. My breath hitched and I stepped away, almost tripping over my own feet.

"Hey! Step back!" the guards reacted immediately and rushed inside and stood in front of me. 

I looked into Julian's eye - wet and cold and so full of hurt and hatred. I took a step back as if he was literally pushing me away from him, and ran out of the cell.

I failed again. 

***

 

Julian was sentenced to death. I knew there could not be a different outcome, not with the parody of evidence I'd collected, but I was still shocked and broken when it was announced. Though, even if I presented some solid facts and witnesses, what would it matter if Julian pleaded guilty right after appearing at the trial? I couldn't understand why he wanted to die so much. Unless he was doing this just to hurt me in revenge. Then, he was doing an excellent job.

Anyway, the trial was a farce even without Julian's input. Nadia must had drunk a little bit too much Golden Goose before she decided that Vlastomil would make a good judge. He was only banging his gavel on the podium, whining at the noise of the audience and doing everything to just sentence Julian already.

It was a disaster. 

Nadia, Portia and I drove back to the palace in a heavy silence. Nadia was frowning and worrying her lip. Portia, pretty much like me, looked anywhere but at us and was struggling not to cry. When we arrived, she excused herself and ran to her cottage. All I wanted was to be alone, too, but I needed to ask Nadia for one more thing.

“Can I talk to you for a minute?” I asked quietly, barely controlling my voice. She nodded and sent the guards away with a short gesture. “Please, Nadia, I need to talk to him one last time. Let me see him tomorrow before the…” I cut myself off. I wasn’t able to say it out loud.

To my surprise, Nadia put her hands on my shoulders. “Of course! The guards know who you are. They’ll let you in.”

“Thank you.”

“[name],” she hesitated, looking very worried. “Please, do know that I am very sorry for what has happened. I’m afraid this case slipped out of control.”

I felt my temporary composure crumble. I bit my lip hard before I was able to speak. “It’s not your fault.”

She gave me a comforting squeeze. “Neither is yours. It is difficult to defend one who pleads guilty.”

I managed to give her a small smile. It was kind of her. I wondered what she’d think and say if she knew what I did to Julian yesterday.

“What are you going to do now?” she asked when I didn’t answer. “I wish I could keep you company but tomorrow’s… event and the Masquerade still require a lot of planning and work from me.”

“Sure, I understand. I think I’ll just go to my room and…maybe…” I stammered. I imagined what awaited for me in my room – more crying and another lonely, sleepless night. “…or maybe I’ll return to my shop.”

“Suit yourself. Take a carriage if you want. And be careful – the city is restless today.” Nadia offered me a small smile and turned away from me to return to her duties.

I left the palace immediately. I didn’t use her offer. As much as I wanted to be home already, I needed some air.

The city indeed was restless. The streets were still crowded. The people were discussing loudly the trial and tomorrow’s, as Nadia put it, _event_. They were talking and arguing, half of them satisfied with the verdict, half indignant or compassionate. I couldn’t listen to it. Anywhere I went, I heard Julian’s name, and no matter if they spoke about him well or bad, it disturbed me. So, I left the main streets and squares, and chose back alleys and dark, narrow passages. Just like he taught me.

The sun was setting when I reached my shop. To my relief, the door was unlocked. I came inside.

“Asra?” I whined.

At once, he ran downstairs. He was pale and wide-eyed.

“Oh Asra!” I sobbed loudly, letting it all out.

He took me into his arms. “I know. I’m so sorry,” he whispered into my hair, cradling me close to his chest and swaying gently.

He let me cry and scream as much as I needed, though no matter how long I did it, the pain splitting my chest in half wouldn’t go away. But he held me the whole time and it made me love him even more than I already did, because I felt as if I would fall apart if he let go of me. Later, he gave me something warm to drink. I didn’t really taste it, I couldn’t focus on it, but soon, it made me relax. He took me to bed then, and put my head on his chest and wrapped his arms around me. He stroked my hair and back until I finally cried myself to sleep.

***

 

When the potion wore off and I opened my swollen, blurry eyes, the sun was already high in the sky.

“Oh no!” I gasped, waking Asra up.

“Wha-! What?! What is it? Are you alright?”

“I overslept! It’s so late! I won’t have time to see him!” I scrambled out of bed and put my shoes on.

Asra jumped to his feet and put my coat on my shoulders. “Go! Take the backstreets. I’ll find you later.”

The tears were back in my eyes and I was so nervous and scared I could barely think straight. But I pressed a quick kiss to the corner of his lips, then ran outside.

The streets were swarming with people. Everybody in Vesuvia were on their way to the main square to see the execution. Panic swelled in my chest, making me choke. _I’m not going to make it._ I pushed my way through the crowd to the nearest alley, but even this took me so much time, I doubted I would even see Julian on the gallows – at least still alive. So, I ran. As fast as I could. Faster than I ran away from the guards with him. I did my best to recall all the alleys and backstreets, the turns and dead ends. Everything, anything to make it. I had to see him. I had to talk to him.

Luckily, there were less people near the Coliseum. I got to the dungeons without any further problems. Like Nadia said, the guards knew me and let me pass. Only the guard at the cell door gave me a sour look.

“We move the prisoner to the main square soon,” he informed me.

“Let me in, please,” I said only.

He sighed heavily but opened the door. I stepped in. The door closed behind me.

Julian was sitting on the floor. He gave me an annoyed look. “What do you want this time?”

His voice was colder than the air down here. I shivered and put my arms around me. “Just talk.”

“Haven’t we talked enough yesterday?”

I didn’t answer. My throat clenched. I looked away, trying not to cry.

Seeing that I was not going to leave, Julian sighed and got up. “Alright. Talk.”

I swallowed hard. “I want to…” I spoke but no sound left my lips.

“Well? You wanted to talk. I’m listening.”

I looked him in the eye. “I want to know why are you doing this,” I said quietly.

Julian snorted and shook his head. “You’re so stubborn... I’m not going to tell you anything.”

“Please. I don’t understand.”

“It’s not my problem.”

I took a deep breath. He was impossible. As always. “What did you find out in the dungeon? Did you really kill the Count? Did you discover the cure for the plague?”

He laughed. “You’re incredible! You just won’t give up, will you?”

“No.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Unlike some.”

“Oh, let go already!” he groaned. “I’m tired of all these questions. I’ve got absolutely nothing to tell you. Let it go and leave!”

“Why do you care?” I snapped suddenly, losing my patience. “You’re going to be dead soon. Why won’t you just tell me? Or does it feel too good to keep refusing me answers?”

“You’ve no idea,” he hissed.

“I thought you knew how it is not to know what or why.”

“I do. That’s why it feels so good.”

My cheeks burnt. This – it hurt. But I was not going to give up. “But why do you care?”

“I don’t! I did and I got hurt. And now, I don’t even have to anymore! That’s why I won’t tell you a damn thing! Just leave already!”

His shouting didn’t move me. It just angered me, made me want to be petty. I took a step towards him. “Oh come on! Spit it out and you’ll never see me again!”

“[name], for fuck’s sake, drop it!”

“Tell me!”

"It's none of your business!" 

"It is very much my business!" 

"Why? Because the Countess chose you to poke your nose into other people's past?"

"No! Because I love you!"

Julian opened his mouth, already having a smart retort, but silenced and stared at me with his one grey eye. "What?" he breathed, so quietly I barely heard him. 

"I love you," I repeated, my voice shaking with emotions. "I just can't stand aside, and watch you die. I need to know at least why I have to lose you. And I'm so terribly sorry for what I did to you. I was wrong. And I lied. I'm so sorry!"

With my vision blurred by tears and my mind overwhelmed with guilt and fear and anger, I didn’t noticed Julian come up to me. He swept me into his arms and lifted me up. Then, finally feeling the familiar warmth of his body, I lost the rest of control over myself and burst into tears. I could hardly believe it when he pressed his cheek to my hair and held me close, so close to him. I was afraid I wouldn't get to feel it ever again. 

"I'm sorry! So, so sorry," I sobbed. 

"Shsh," he whispered into my ear and stroked my hair. "Don't be. It's not your fault."

"What?" I raised my eyes at him. I must had misheard him.

The smile he gave me melted my heart. "It's not your fault," he repeated softly. He wiped the tears away from my face but it only made me cry more. "No, darling, don’t cry, please. I hate to see you like this. I’m sorry. I was mean. Please, forgive me.” He peppered my wet cheeks with kisses. “It's not your fault, sweetheart, believe me. No matter what you’d had done, I would’ve ended up here anyway. I'm sorry but it's true." 

"Why? What do you mean?" 

The guard chose that moment to bang on the door. "We need to go!" He started to unlock the door. 

Julian took my face in his hands and kissed me longingly on the lips. The time stopped. I felt alive again. But he moved away from me way too quickly and looked me in the eye. "I have a plan. I know what I'm doing, trust me," he whispered urgently. 

The lock let go and turned with a horrible screech. 

"But what are you going to do?" 

The door swung open heavily.

"Just trust me, okay?" 

"Julian…" I whined, feeling myself break again. It didn't sound good.

"Please. For me?" He beamed at me, a playful spark in his eye.

And that was it. He got me. With my own trick. I couldn't say no to this.

"Miss," the guard said impatiently.

Holding his gaze, trying to remember his face as if I was seeing it for the last time, I slipped from his hands and walked backwards to the door. He kept smiling at me to the very last moment. Then, the guard shut the door and that was it.

I had to trust him. For him. And I was going to do so, even though I was so scared I could barely breathe.

***

 

I came late to the execution. There was a dense crowd surrounding the gallows. I could barely see the platform.

I started to elbow my way through it. I had to see him. I had to see it. With tears blurring my vision, I kept squeezing between the people. Suddenly, they all went crazy - guards brought Julian on the gallows and I got stuck. I couldn't move any further.

"Julian!" I screamed but it was pointless. The wild noise of all the people drowned me out. But I could see his gaze roaming through the crowd and I had to try. "Julian!" I shouted again, standing on my tiptoes. Panic rushed through my veins like acid, making me sick. 

Suddenly, impossibly with the hundreds on the square, he found my face. And he _smiled_ . My heart skipped a beat. He kept smiling, beaming at me, when the guards placed him on the trap door. He _laughed_ \- softly, incredulously, when the executioner put the noose around his neck. He smiled and it was so full of affection and joy when they tightened the knot. And he held my desperate gaze with his calm, dreamy one when they pulled the lever and the door opened beneath him and he fell, and the rope went taut with a horrible snap.

**Author's Note:**

> I have a tumblr now, guys. Look for [santamalgastadora](https://santamalgastadora.tumblr.com/). I will be apologising there for not writing this.


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